“I can’t Jenna. He already told me how much he doesn’t want to have kids. I think news like this would send him over the edge.” I did think it would be too much for him. He made it clear that it was his worst trigger. Mav wanted his bloodline to end with him.
“That strikes me as so weird. It’s obvious he loves you and he’d make a great dad! He’s so close with his brothers, I had him pegged as a family man. You’ve got to at least tell him. Otherwise, you could risk him flipping out even more when he eventually finds out through someone else.”
“I might just leave. Go somewhere and have this baby on my own,” I told her defiantly. I was prepared to do that if that’s what it took. A family, to me, was the pinnacle, the dream, what would finally make me feel whole. I wanted to share that with someone else, of course, who wouldn’t, but if Gabriel couldn’t handle it, then I’d make due on my own. To carry his baby would be an honor, to love and raise his child would be my life’s greatest reward… even if I had to do it all by myself.
“Jenna, I’ve got to head upstairs. Be careful tonight, watch out for Reese. And if you tell anyone what I confided in you, I’m going to put on Rock Lobster by the B52s every time you climb onto the stage,” I threatened her. She laughed and hit my shoulder playfully.
“Baby Storm is between you and me, babe, don’t worry. I make a great Godmother and I can be there for the birth. Put me down as your emergency contact on all the baby related appointments. I know you’re a pro and this is your field, but everybody needs help. Don’t be a martyr.”
I hugged Jenna hard. She had a heart of gold and never treated me less than because of my vision impairment. I’d expected the “blind single mother” lecture, but Jenna didn’t even bring up my vision in discussing my ability to raise a child.
Somebody lowered the house lights, which was my cue to get into the booth. Even while the girls were in the dressing room getting ready and the customers were coming in at a trickle after work, Tommy still liked me to provide ambiance instead of having the patrons listen to the radio. I climbed the stairs and thought about what Jenna said. Tell Maverick or else risk having him find out some other way. It seemed like a risk I was willing to take, especially considering how he’d reacted even just trying to talk about the subject. Maverick couldn’t handle the trappings of a relationship, let alone a child. He considered himself too broken. If I told him I was pregnant, I felt like he’d have a real nervous breakdown.
I stepped into the booth and locked the door. I usually left it open, but I hated Reese and didn’t want to feel vulnerable if he started trouble tonight. After all, I was housing another human in my body. A tiny human that the most beautiful man I’d ever know had helped me to create. Not being able to share that joy with him left me feeling devastated. Everyone had their limits and I’d grown to accept and respect him, hard as it was. But I loved him so much it hurt. And I wanted to celebrate my amazing body and what it had accomplished, my eyes had failed me, but my ovaries had not. I wanted to fill this child with hope and love. I wanted to do it with Maverick. But if he couldn’t recover, if he couldn’t get past his own trauma and that’s all he’d bring to the table, then I’d do it alone. I’d love this baby twice as much to make up for his absence.
I played happy songs all night because I couldn’t handle anything else. My emotions were too raw and my hormones were probably already making things worse. I thought about Maverick as a child, little Gabriel alone and afraid, trying so hard to be the big brother—the parent even, for his two little brothers. I wished I could go back in time and intervene, rescue that child so that he could be freed from the burden of guilt and self-loathing he carried.
Exhaustion was making me nod off every few minutes. I propped my face up and forced myself to blink to keep awake. I’d brought a RedBull but there was no way I was drinking it now that I knew I was pregnant. I wouldn’t do harm to this innocent baby. And if I was going to be a nurse, I needed to get used to crazy hours and no sleep anyway. I put on Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls because it reminded me of Maverick and put my head down on my arms to close my eyes for just a minute.