' "I know it," he said. "She's as pure as the driven snow."
' "Now just you hang on one second there, Your Majesty," I said. "Haven't you heard all the naughty rumours?"
'When I said that, Oswald, he whipped round as though he'd been bitten by a scorpion.'
'Jesus, Yasmin, you've got a bloody nerve!'
'It was fun,' she said. 'I only meant it as a joke.'
'Some joke.'
' "Rumours!" the king shouted. "What sort of rumours?"
' "Very naughty rumours," I said.
' "How dare you!" he roared. "How dare you come in here and talk like that about the Queen of England. You are a strumpet and a liar, madam!"
' "I may be a strumpet," I said, "but I'm not a liar. There is, you see, Your Majesty, a certain equerry at Buckingham Palace, a colonel in the Grenadiers, a fine good-looking fellow he is, too, with his big black bristly moustache, and every morning he meets the queen in the gymnasium and gives her keep-fit lessons."
' "And why shouldn't he?" snapped the king. "What's wrong with keep-fit exercises? I do them myself."
'I looked at my watch. The nine minutes were just coming up. Any moment now this tall proud king would be transformed into a randy old lecher. "Your Majesty," I said, "many's the time George and I have peeped through the window at the end of the gym and seen..." I stopped. I lost my voice, Oswald. I just couldn't go on.'
'What happened, for God's sake?'
'I thought I was having a heart-attack. I began to gasp. I couldn't breathe properly and a sort of goose-pimply feeling was spreading over my whole body. I really thought, honestly I did, I really thought I might be going to kick the bucket.'
'What was it, for God's sake?'
'That's what the king asked me. He's truly a decent man, Oswald. Haifa minute before I'd been saying beastly insulting things about his in-laws in England and all of a sudden he was deeply concerned for my welfare. "Do you wish me to call a doctor?" he said. I couldn't even answer him. I just gurgled at him. Then all of a sudden this terrific tingling sensation started in the soles of my feet and it spread quickly all the way up my legs. I'm getting paralysed, I thought. I can't talk. I can't move. I can hardly think. I'm going to die any moment. Then wham! It hit me!'
'What hit you?'
'The Beetle of course.'
'Now wait a minute...'
'I'd eaten the wrong goddamn chocolate, Oswald! I'd mixed them up! I'd given him the plain one and eaten the Beetle myself!'
'Jesus Christ, Yasmin!'
'I know. But by then I'd guessed what had happened and my first thought was I'd better get the hell out of the Palace before I make an even bigger ass out of myself than I already have.'
'And did you?'
'Well, that was a bit easier said than done. For the first time in my life I was finding out what it felt like to get the Beetle.'
'Strong stuff.'
'Terrifying. It freezes your mind. You can't think straight. All you've got is this fierce throbbing sexy sensation pouring all over you. Sex is the only thing you can think about. It was all I could think about anyway, and I'm very much afraid, Oswald... I couldn't stop myself, you understand... I simply couldn't stop myself... so I... well, I leaped off the sofa and made a dive for the king's trousers...'
'Oh, my God.'
'There's more to come,' Yasmin said, taking another gulp of brandy.
'Don't tell me. I can't bear it.'
'All right, then, I won't.'