Jacob watched my frantic digging but didn’t try to stop me. “He moved out exactly a year after you were taken. He said he couldn’t handle it anymore. Mom was still too torn up about your disappearance to fight him on it. I think he broke the last part of her heart that day. He’s a chump.”
My fingers freed a small tag of skin and I pulled at it with my nails until a bead of blood rose to the surface. The pain was minuscule compared to the way my heart was pinching. My fault. Of course it was my fault. I felt I should apologize to Jacob, but the words were trapped in the void in my chest. It was a no-win situation. If I wouldn’t have been found my family would still be in shreds. Lost or found, all of this would always land on me.
My family was broken.
I broke it.
Mom pulled up before we could say anything else, bouncing cheerfully out of the car. It was different from what I had been expecting. I’d vaguely remembered our car being blue or maybe black. This one was silver and smaller than the car I remembered. Jacob opened the trunk and stowed my bag and stuffed animals next to the box he’d carried down earlier.
I opened one of the back doors and climbed in.
“Fasten your seat belt,” Mom said, yanking on a strap near the back of my seat. She handed it to me and I buckled it into place. Memories flooded my mind. It had been ten years since I’d ridden in a vehicle like this, but I remembered Mom being adamant about seat belts. It was an insignificant memory, but felt like a big deal to me.
Jacob climbed into the front passenger seat. He looked back at me as I tried to smile. The bombshell he dropped on me still had me reeling, but he’d been right, I needed to know.
Mom slowly pulled away from the overhang covering the front entrance. I couldn’t resist twisting around in my seat to get one last look. The seat belt bit into my side, but I didn’t care. My eyes swept over the building that had become my haven. As our car rounded the driveway, a waving orderly off to the side of the building caught my attention just before Mom made a right turn out of the parking lot. My hand covered my mouth when I spotted Gunner holding up a massive sign with two words plainly printed on it.
BE BRAVE.
Nothing more, nothing less. It was his way of saying good-bye. I knew he couldn’t see me but I kissed my fingers and pressed them against the window.
The drive home passed in a blur as I took in my surroundings. It was disorienting watching the different landscape. I didn’t remember there being so many buildings or cars before. My fingers were almost white from gripping the seat in a death grip anytime another car got too close to us. I could feel the first stirrings of a panic attack approaching and I patted my pocket. The bottle of pills rattled reassuringly. I didn’t pull them out yet; I would only take one when I absolutely needed it.
I knew we were home the moment Mom pulled into our driveway. The familiarity of the house was etched deeply in my mind. Everything down to the white shutters and red door were the same. It was astonishing. I unlocked my seat belt and slowly climbed from the vehicle as memories assaulted me. I remembered this house. I dreamed about this house for ten years. This house had belonged to a person who didn’t exist. Now it belonged to a mountain of memories that were crushing me. Memories of me playing on this very lawn moments before Judy had snatched me from the life I had known.
“Honey, I have something to tell you before we go in,” Mom called out to me.
I tried to focus on her words but all I can see is me playing with my doll Daisy. Judy smiling down at me and taking my hand. Why did I go with her?
“Mom, I already told her,” Jacob said, walking up the path with my bags in hand.
I looked at them both, confused, trying to stop the flood of pictures from the past in my head.
Mom looked strained. “Jake, I told you I would do it. She deserved to hear about your father from me.”
My brain strained to keep up with the chaos. It felt like a million gallons of water being dumped on me at once. It was a building taller than the hospital landing on top of me, obliterating me once and for all. My surroundings began to spin. Darkness took over and the last thing I heard before hitting the ground was Mom calling out my name in panic.
I woke to the low sound of Jacob’s and Mom’s voices. I opened my eyes, feeling disoriented. The blue sky had been replaced with a smooth white ceiling that slanted up into a tall peak. “They released her too early.” They were talking quietly, but I could still make out Mom’s words. “We should take her back to the hospital.”
“I’m okay.” I sat up slowly and swung my legs around so I could sit up on the couch.
Mom rushed to my side and knelt in front of me. Tears were streaming down her face. “Honey, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you about your father sooner. It was unfair to keep it from you. I think we should go back to the hospital.”
I flushed in embarrassment, wishing my father was the source of my problem. That would have been a more rational explanation for my behavior. I could have corrected Mom but I couldn’t take the chance of telling her the truth. What if they considered this a setback and decided a mental hospital was more fitting? I wasn’t sick enough to go back to the regular hospital. “I guess I was a little overwhelmed. Hearing about Dad and seeing the house again. I felt an attack coming on when I was in the car. I should have taken a pill like Dr. Marshall told me to. I’m sorry I worried you but I don’t want to go back to the hospital.” It was a bald-faced lie. I wanted to go back to the hospital with every fiber of my being. It would be so easy. I could see Gunner again and everything would be the same. Gunner’s sign flashed in my head. BE BRAVE. They were simple words but held so much meaning.
Mom eyed me skeptically. “Are you sure, sweetie? I hate that you were that upset.”
I pasted a smile on my face. It felt heavy, but it was all I could muster. “I’m fine. I promise.” I climbed to my feet to show her that I was at least capable of standing.
Jacob threw his arm around my shoulder. “She looks fine to me,” he said, ruffling my hair. “Come on. I’ll show you your room.” He guided me to the familiar staircase. I could have told him he didn’t need to. I knew every inch of the house. Mia may not have existed, but she kept my memories alive for me. Jacob and I climbed the steps together with Mom trailing behind. I couldn’t resist running my hand along the banister as we climbed. I loved this banister. Its rich, smooth wood shined beneath my palm.
Mine was the second room at the top of the stairs. Jacob stopped in front of the door, letting me push it open. Unlike the rest of the house, the room was not what I had pictured. It looked nothing like the teenage room I’d made up for Mia, nor was it the room I remembered from my childhood. One word described it. Bleak. It was empty of any kind of decoration or belongings. A bed almost twice the size of the one I had slept on for the past ten years sat nestled between two nightstand tables. A long dresser sat across from the bed with a matching desk under the window. It was all very plain.
Mom walked into the room and stood beside me, placing her hand on my shoulder. “All of your childhood things are packed away. We can go through them whenever you’re ready, but I figured we would start from scratch if you’re still up for a massive shopping trip.”
I pushed the feelings of bleakness from my mind. Rotating slowly in a circle, I examined each wall. It was a blank slate. For the first time in my life I saw real possibility, an opportunity to express my own tastes, whatever they were. “Yes, please.”
Jacob coughed behind us. “Well, that’s my cue to hit the road. I love you, but there’s no way I want to get roped into on