“Not right now, Avery,” he snaps. It isn’t aggressive—just sad.
There’s an ache in my heart. I reach out to grab his hand.
“I miss you, Owen,” I say truthfully. “You shouldn’t isolate yourself like this.”
He pulls his hand out of my grasp. “I just … leave me alone, please,” he says, his voice shaking. He stands up. “I just want to deal with this … thing. I need to … I just can’t.” And with that, he rushes out of the dining hall. I watch him sadly.
A tray clatters to the table near me, and I jump as I turn. Sawyer stands angrily behind me. “This is low,” he snaps. “Messing around with Piers and Bennett is bad enough, but now you’re trying to use Owen against me?”
“No,” I say frostily. “I miss Owen. I want him to feel welcome again.”
I glare up at Sawyer. “What’s it to you, anyway? I thought you said you were finished with the jealousy.”
“Bringing Owen that much attention while he’s still working through this is the worst thing you could do.” He hasn’t sat down yet, so he’s starting to loom over me. “This is the first time he’s been to the dining hall around all these people. He was making real progress. And you ran him off.”
“Is this all you’re angry about?” I feel an actual pang of guilt at his words, so I need to shift the subject. I can’t let Sawyer have the high ground here.
“No, to tell you the truth,” he replies.
He’s still standing, so I get to my feet, too. Of course, he’s still taller than me—nothing can change that—but he takes a step back anyway.
“You’ve been avoiding me again,” he snaps angrily.
I glance around. A few people have turned to look, but most are still involved in their food. “What do you mean?” I ask him.
“Ever since we got back from Oktoberfest, it’s like you won’t even look at me.” He takes a half-step forward. “I was happy about—about—” He seems to notice that some people are watching, that he’s making a scene. He lowers his voice a little. “About what happened.”
I don’t reply. So far, he’s just stated the obvious.
“I thought it meant something,” he continues, and his face changes. He’s still angry, but there’s a sadness pulling at the corners of his mouth. “I thought things were good again. But now you’re doing this. And I’ve seen you with Piers and Bennett and I—what are you doing, Avery?”
I draw myself up to my full height and look him straight in the face. “Nothing, Sawyer. Though, to be honest, what if I was? I’d just be returning the favor from last year.”
“That isn’t fair,” he says, stamping one foot in frustration like a toddler who hasn’t gotten his way.
Somehow, this just does it.
“Just give it up Sawyer,” I snap, and even though I know it isn’t fair, the next words slip out of my mouth before I can stop them. “I’m never going to be yours, so you should just give it up.”
He deflates. It happens all at once. His shoulders slump, and he looks away—tears collecting on his bottom lashes before he can turn on his heel and stalk out.
Not, however, before I can see the way his shoulders have started to shake.
I should follow him, but I don’t. I think back to what Helsing said. I set out to give Piers a taste of what he did to me, and somehow, Sawyer got wrapped up in the process. Just like I should have followed him, I should feel sorry. But I don’t. There’s a fierce satisfaction blooming in my chest—a feeling of justice, or comeuppance, overwhelms any guilt I should feel.
And as I leave the hall, I realize that scares me a little.
Not enough, unfortunately, for me to do anything about it.
In the weeks following my incident with Sawyer, I notice him change. He barely speaks up in class anymore. He moves away if I’m anywhere near him. He even changes his seats in all our classes so we’re nowhere near each other. I’m still scared of my own sick satisfaction every time I see him … but he betrayed me last year.
I don’t have time to think about the ache deep down inside myself. It’s too overshadowed by that sick sense of poetic justice at watching him suffer, just a bit.
Erin confronts me, and I tell her as much, but I end up dwelling on her reply: “How does this make you any better?”
I never meant to be better. I just want to get even.
More than ever.