“Well nothing!” I shout. “Try to shift the blame if you want, but you know damn good and well that it was your fault! If not for me stepping in after what’s-his-nuts got injured, we would have lost. It’s really damned if I do, damned if I don’t around here, isn’t it?”
Heath grinds his teeth. He’s got a sweat breaking out on his forehead. Either he’s still high or he’s not fully come down off it like I thought.
“Well, whatever happened, don’t do it again,” Jasper snaps.
“Don’t save your buddy’s ass again? Fine! I won’t!” I’m just below yelling now. “Can I go now?”
I don’t wait for an answer. I just shove past them, the first time I’ve ever done something like that, and stride quickly away, rage burning in my chest.
“And stay away from Olive!” Jasper yells after me.
Of course, this is what this is really all about.
Don’t mind the fact that I just kept Heath’s secret. Don’t mind that I actually helped the team win that lacrosse game while their best player was too tweaked out to even show up. And certainly don’t mind the fact that one of them, the one conspicuously missing from the hunt for their missing friend, just kissed me in the locker room.
Don’t mind any of that.
I grit my teeth but don’t answer. Stay away from Olive? I don’t even want to be near Olive! I’ve been trying to stay away from Olive! I glance down at my hand as I walk up the steps toward my own dorm to read the numbers carefully inked there.
I’m done listening to them. I’ve tried to stay out of their way, but they keep dogging my every step, criticizing my every move. I saved their asses in that game, and all Heath wants to do is save face so no one knows he’s addicted to ADHD meds.
I storm into my room and slam the door behind me. It’s empty, as fucking usual nowadays. I tug my oversized jacket off and throw it down onto the floor. The stiff fabric makes a very unsatisfying whumpf as it pools at my feet.
I find myself pacing, the events of today turning over and over in my mind until it’s such a fucking mess that I don’t even recognize myself when I catch sight of my reflection in the window.
Normal.
This was all supposed to be back to normal.
But this is anything but. I keep trying to do things right, to play the part and stay out of trouble, but I keep getting in my own goddamned away.
Now that I’m here in the quiet of my own room, the full weight of today bears down on me until I feel like I am suffocating.
Beck kissed me.
No, Beck kissed Alex, the boy he’s been bullying for the last semester.
I feel sick to my stomach. No good is going to come from that, that much is certain.
Don’t you tell anyone about this.
I laugh out loud, a hollow sound in this empty room. Who would I tell? I’m alone here, in this, thanks to him. Thanks to Heath. Thanks to Jasper.
Jasper.
I look down at my clenched fists as I try to regulate my breathing, then try to flex my fingers, try to relax. I see Olive’s number written there again.
“Stay away from Olive, huh?” I mutter to myself as I grab my phone off the charger on my desk. I’m done doing what they fucking tell me. I’m going to get harassed one way or the other, right? Jasper deserves to have his whole month ruined. His whole life, actually. All three of them do.
I don’t hold the same power they do, but I do hold one thing.
And in the end, it’s the only thing that matters.
It seems no matter what I do, I’m going to get myself killed … so it might as well be by my own hand.
Chapter Twenty-Five
I have a date to the dance.