I run my fingers through my short, choppy hair, thinking back to that awful moment back in the alley. It just happened, just happened, and yet it’s already fading into a bleary memory.
I shake my head for a second to clear it before continuing. “The only reason I was able to get away—well, besides Olive stepping in, and Heath and Beck telling Jasper to stop—”
Rafael cuts me off suddenly.
“They stood up to Jasper?” Rafael asks incredulously.
“That’s beside the point,” I snap, jabbing a finger in his direction. “The only way I got away earlier was because I actually had the energy.” I stop for a moment to kick my shoes off furiously. “Because I actually ate something for once.”
Of all the things …
I was just jumped. Punched. Would have been killed.
But all that’s running through my mind right now is how much I want a cheeseburger. A real one. None of this shit Rafael’s been putting me through these last few weeks.
Rafael leans back in his bed and narrows his eyes at me. “How much did you eat? Is that what this is really about? You know you need to—”
“Stop!” I say, my voice coming dangerously close to a shout. I have to stop and gather my thoughts for a moment to keep from offending Rafael. I know he means well. I really do. I just … I … I’ve had enough. Of all of it.
“Look, Rafael,” I say, once I’m sure I can keep my tone level. “This isn’t about The Brotherhood. This isn’t about Jasper trying to murder me. This isn’t even about how Heath and Beck somehow made the right decision for once and actually stood up to that monster.”
I stop again, my fingers fumbling with the buttons on my dress shirt. I’m still shaking from earlier.
“This is about how, for the first time, I’m realizing it doesn’t matter if I look the part of a boy if it’s going to get me killed here,” I say. “I need to be able to defend myself.”
I stop for a second and fix Rafael with a pointed look.
“That’s why you need to back off,” I snap, finally giving up on the buttons altogether. “You’re so focused on my weight, and you’re basically making me starve myself. It’s making me weaker. I ate one granola bar tonight, and for the first time in ages, I actually felt like myself. Just for a minute.”
“But your hips …”
“Damn hips!” I snap again. “Everyone’s got them. There are other ways to hide them! We can figure something else out. I refuse to keep starving myself.”
Rafael looks down at his feet as I rip off the shirt he lent me and throw it onto the floor. I pull my oversized hoodie on and lay down on my bed, turning my back to him.
As soon as I know he can no longer see my face, I feel my bravado melt away. I curl myself into a ball and begin to shake. This isn’t really about the food, or lack of it.
This is about me. About surviving. If I’d been just a little weaker, what would have happened?
What if I hadn’t been able to run away? What if I’d been alone?
What if Jasper had been alone?
I hate knowing that I may very well owe my life to two of the boys who’ve been tormenting me these past weeks, making my already complicated life a living hell.
I squeeze my eyes shut and curl tighter. I have to start working out or something, build some muscle. I’m tired of being scared.
To my surprise, I feel a warm hand on my back and hear Rafael’s voice, soft this time.
“Hey. Hey, Alex. I’m sorry.” He rubs my back a little, and unless I mishear him, I think his voice cracks a little. “I never should have pushed you like that. I’m no better than the rest of them.”
I open my mouth to try to reassure him that no, he’s not a bully like Jasper and Heath and Beck … but no sound comes out.
Rafael still somehow understands. His hand remains pressed to my back, the warmth and tenderness of it bringing even more tears to my eyes.
“It’s okay. You’re safe.”
Fuck, I think as tears slip down my cheeks. How could he tell? I keep my eyes closed and let him rub my back. He keeps whispering “you’re safe” over and over, and my tears keep falling.