He nods, still not looking at me. “That’s fine. That’s good.” I smile to myself as he sucks in smoke, then pushes it out in a long, grey cloud. “If you want to get found out and expelled in literally four days.”
My heart sinks.
“We’re not going in until you finish that cigarette.”
I begrudgingly continue smoking. I never thought I’d be the smoking type, it’s just never had any draw for me. I caught my brother Caleb smoking out behind the barn once and he made me swear never to start. If he could only see me now.
But I have to get my voice deeper somehow, since walking around sounding like a cartoon character isn’t going to be very convincing. Even still, I’m going to have to pretend my voice just hasn’t broken yet and hope that charade lasts long enough for everyone to get so used to it that they forget.
After a long bout of silence, Rafael throws down the butt of his own cigarette and stomps it out. “All right, I’m going in. You stay,” he says, adding the last bit hastily as I go to follow. “You’ve still got half that thing left.” He pulls a fresh pack out of his pocket and tosses it into my lap. “Start chain-smoking. It’ll help with the gravel.”
“Wait—can’t you come with me to sign ups?” I ask. “Is that what everyone was doing in the hallway?”
“Yep, that’s what they were doing. And no, I’m not coming with you. You’ve got to do this on your own, little bean.” He shoves his hands into his pockets and strides his way across the courtyard. I watch him until he disappears through the main doors.
I painstakingly, torturously, finish my cigarette and stomp out the butt like Rafael did.
I do not, however, light up another one.
I shove the rest of the pack into my pocket, gather up my courage, and walk alone across the courtyard into the main doors of the castle-like school. I don’t need Rafael. I didn’t need him to get here, I don’t need him now. I can’t always expect him to stick by my side, can’t expect him to fight my battles for me.
It’s warmer in the hall than outside, thankfully, but I still keep my oversize hoodie on. The entrance hall is full of students and professors alike. There are no signs advertising that this is club sign-ups, but I suppose everyone but me already knows. Just like how everyone else knew this was a school for boys.
Everyone but me.
I watch as my uniformed classmates filter in and out of nearby rooms. Desks are lined up inside the classrooms, neat hand-lettered signs hanging above them advertising the available clubs. There are so many. Chess, shuffleboard, cooking, finance—there’s one for everything. No topic goes untouched.
Under any other circumstance, I’d sign up for everything. You just don’t get opportunities like this where I come from.
But I have to stop myself and think about what Rafael said.
I have to pick the kind of boy I want to be.
I can’t just be Alex in a boy’s disguise. A bad boy’s disguise at that. I have to be Alex, the boy. But I’m not sure who that is yet.
I’ve started to head away from the tables when a hand catches my elbow and yanks me around, bringing me face-to-face with none other than Jasper. Head of The Brotherhood.
He looks like he’s always known the boy he would be. It was laid out for him before he was even born. Just like the two others flanking him on either side.
“Signing up for clubs, little man?” he hisses between his teeth.
It’s not even a joke, but the two boys behind him chuckle. Beck glares at me, his cheekbones looking deadlier by the second.
Jasper
’s hand clenches tighter on my elbow. I’ve taken too long to answer, so he wrenches me closer. “I’m talking to you,” he snarls in my face.
“Yes,” I reply simply, biting back the reply of isn’t that obvious? that I wish I could make.
No need to antagonize them, to invite more trouble on myself. Or Rafael, for that matter.
“Which one were you thinking of joining?” Heath asks, nodding back towards the tables now behind me. He cocks his head to the side and gives me a rakish grin. As nonchalant as he seems, there’s a certain edge to his voice.
“I’m not sure yet.” I look from Heath, to Beck, to Jasper, to Heath again, my eyes flicking so quickly they ache. I don’t dare move or try to tug my arm away.
“Perfect. You can forget about choosing.” Jasper takes his hand off my arm only to clamp down on my shoulder. “All four of us are signing up for lacrosse.”
“Lacrosse?” I echo weakly as he steers me toward another open doorway. I don’t know the first thing about lacrosse. There are sticks involved, I think?