“Yeah, I have a lot of questions. How did he know my mother? Paul, I mean.”
Eli sighs and looks out of his window before taking a deep breath and answering me. “I’m not sure how much you know about your mother, and I’m not going to candy coat this for you. You’re an adult now. You deserve to know the truth.”
“I already know what she was,” I say.
He clears his throat again, but he clearly looks relieved that he didn’t have to break that news to me too.
“She had her problems, but when Paul met her he fell hard. He kept trying to talk her out of the lifestyle, but his and Dane’s father, your grandfather, I suppose, kept pressuring him to leave … uh … as he put it, to leave the trash alone. I think he really wanted to be with her, but his father kind of forced his hand and threatened to take away everything.”
I stare out the window at the passing trees and try to keep my voice level. “Seems to be a common thing, with his type.”
I haven’t even met him yet, but I already dislike my grandfather … even if he’s probably already dead.
Good. Jerk.
He was just like Astor’s parents, demanding that their son only date rich girls from the right families and places. It’s why Astor refuses to be with me. Stupid rules of society. I’m nothing. I’m trash, and Astor couldn’t be with me because of it. It doesn’t matter that inside I’m a good person. If not good, then at least … trying to be good. Or trying to be right.
Either way, the only thing that matters to them is the money, and Astor is doing exactly what his parents expect of him. Just like my father.
Eli has continued the story, but most of it just sounds like noise. My mother got pregnant with me, obviously, but never told him. He was forced to keep a distance from her and then he found out that she had died of a drug overdose. There was never any mention of a baby. At least, as far as Eli could find out.
He looks straight at me while we’re stopped at a light, and I can see how serious he is. “If he’d known about you, Teddy, he would have moved heaven and earth to get to you. He’d never have let you stay in an orphanage or foster home. I’m sure of it.”
I feel like I’m going to throw up. All this time. All these years. Someone was out there who actually wanted me, and he was taken away from me yet again. Just before I got to meet him. Just before I had a chance at being in a real family for the first time.
I can’t stop the tears from coming again, so I turn to look out of the window and pretend to watch the world go by as the car slides through it.
We stop at the same cemetery where Sadie White was, and I guess still is, buried.
There’s a long line of glossy black cars, and no end of a stream of people all dressed to match. I think back to Sadie’s funeral, and how small it was in comparison. Her parents didn’t want anyone to know that she had died of an overdose. It was one of the reasons that it worked out for me to pretend that I was Sadie; no one knew she was dead.
Now I’m back here again at this same place. It’s another funeral, but the same family. My family now, I guess. It’s so weird that it doesn’t even feel real. Eli stays close as he walks with me to Mr. and Mrs. White. They look as if they’ve lost the whole world. Again.
The two look up and see me with Eli, and then share a glance. I feel a ball of anxiety ignite in my core. It’s almost like a little ball of electricity; zapping me in random places and trying to take me down from the inside. They were kind to me the last time we spoke. I don’t know if that same kindness will extend to me now that they know I’m the bastard niece sired by a hooker.
Oh shit. Do they even know?
Mrs. White comes toward me with her arms outstretched, and I realize she must know. She might actually even be okay with it, judging by the sorrowful look on her face.
She embraces me and I try to hug her back, but it’s a little awkward.
She lets me go and then she steps aside, and Mr. White faces me. He’s got such a strange, unreadable expression, but I can clearly see the pain in his eyes. I expect him to yell again, since that’s been his MO in the past. Instead, he just reaches for me too and wraps me in a tight hug. The embrace feels strange. The whole thing feels strange. All of this.
When he lets me go, he looks at me directly and seriously. “You’re our family now. Please call us Aunt Ellen and Uncle Dane. Or Just Ellen and Dane. Whatever you prefer.”
I nod, not really knowing what else to do. “Okay.” I hesitate and then add with some uncertainty, “Thank you, Dane.”
It sounds right. Uncle Dane sounds too … familiar. I’m not there yet, and to be honest, I’m not sure I’ll ever be.
My new aunt, Ellen, takes my hand and leads me to their seats in the front row before a big, beautiful black casket.
It’s odd to say a casket is beautiful, but it is.
It’s open, and I stop dead in my tracks for a moment, torn between looking in and seeing my father dead, and never having a chance to look on my father with my own eyes again.
I decide to go for it.
I don’t really remember what he looked like when he was so close to me on the night of the party, standing there behind Eli as Eli tried to get my attention. I was so focused on what was going on with everyone else that I missed the chance to meet my father; to talk to him while he was alive. Even if it had only been for a few moments because the blast that was going to come anyway, it still makes me sick inside. That moment is gone forever.