I manage to breathe out quietly, but I feel both Blair and Wills’ arms go around my back and shoulders as we stand together and stare at Eli Hamilton.
Eli sighs. “I’m so sorry that you didn’t get a chance to meet him. I wish things had worked out differently. He so wanted to meet you. He was looking forward to it more than I’ve ever seen him look forward to anything, and I’ve known him a long time.”
I can’t feel anything all over my body.
I’m numb, except for my heart. It’s pounding hard inside me and I can hear the rush of blood flooding through my ears like a deafening roar.
I had a parent who didn’t know about me. One who actually wanted me when he found out that I existed. Numb on the outside, inside, I’m feeling so many things all at once.
Gratitude for having a parent somewhere out there after all.
Sorrow at having lost a father I am never going to know now.
Heartache as I realize that I truly am alone.
And anger, deep down, beneath all of the turbulent emotions roiling through me at this moment, there is strong, heated, burning anger.
Victoria killed my father, and any chance I might have at getting to know a parent in this life. I have never truly hated many people, but Victoria has just risen to the top of that list, and that is where she will stay for the rest of my life.
Or hers.
However short I pray that might be.
Eli is still talking.
“Paul’s funeral is this afternoon. I know that you’ve been through a lot here at the school today, but I thought that I’d let you know about it, in case you wanted to go.”
Tears from seemingly nowhere blind me and pour from my eyes down my cheeks. I held it in for my classmate’s funeral, but I can’t anymore. Not when I just found out I had a father after all, and that I very nearly had the chance to get to know him.
I nod, even though I’m sure the very last thing the White’s want right now is to see me.
Wills and Blair both close their arms around me tightly, and squeeze, giving comfort that I so desperately need.
“Do you want us to come with you?” Wills asks, speaking low into my ear.
I can’t even think at first, but my mind finally starts
working again, at least a little. I take a moment to decipher my emotions and thoughts. I realize that this is the only chance that I’m going to have to be with my father, even if it’s in another casket.
Something in me feels very strongly about it, almost possessive and determined; selfish even, in some ways.
“No. I want to go and do this on my own,” I answer, and Wills kisses my cheek.
“Okay. Whatever you need. Anything you need. Just let us know.”
He hugs me tightly with both arms, and then Blair does the same before handing me another package of tissues.
I’d like to stay—to process everything—but there’s no time. I wave at them both and follow Eli away from the funeral and toward his car. I spot Astor standing near a table. He’s staring at me as Victoria tries to slide her hand into his arm and get his attention, but he pulls away from her and begins to take a few steps toward me. He follows after until he realizes that I’m leaving, and then he stops.
Good.
I couldn’t handle him too right now.
It starts out as a quiet ride with Eli as he drives us away from the school, but part way down the road he glances over at me and clears his throat.
“You must have questions. Feel free to ask me anything.”
I can only stare at the road ahead as it disappears beneath the car. It takes me a moment, but then I nod.