The other students must have just all lost their minds.
It’s cold outside, but it’s warm in my room, and I strip down to my tank top and a pair of shorts, and snuggle down into the covers with my head buried in the pillow.
All I want is for the world to go away. A few tears begin to fall as I think of how I almost had a dad, and from the sounds of it, a good one. I think of what he’s done for me, leaving me everything he had. He did it before he even met me, or before he was on his way to meet me.
I have a small family now. An aunt and an uncle, and at least that’s something. Something is better than nothing. It’s not the loving family that I always wanted; the adoring parents, the siblings, the close sense of belonging, but at this point in my life, I didn’t expect to have a family anyway.
I realize then that I do have a family, in a way. I have for a while. Wills and Blair. They’re my family. The two of them are so precious to me; so close to me. I remember when Astor was a part of that, and I wish more than anything that he could still be. I know Wills and Blair feel it too, even when we’re all together. There’s a piece missing, but he won’t leave his ivory tower for me, so I lose out. We both lose out.
There’s a knock at the door and for a moment I consider ignoring it. Then the knock sounds again.
I sigh and push the covers down, calling out, “I’m not home!”
The knock is more insistent. With a grumble, I fling the covers aside and stomp over to the door, wondering who isn’t about to take no for an answer. I pull the door open, standing behind it as I’m not really dressed.
My jaw falls open as I look up into those same beautiful brown eyes I miss so much.
“Astor! What are you doing here?” I can barely speak, and the roil of emotions in me goes full tilt. Now I’m feeling confusion, frustration, and anger on top of everything else.
Great. That’ll help.
“I have to talk with you,” he says quietly, and he plants his hand on the door and pushes it open, making me stumble back a little before I can close it behind him.
“Astor, you can’t come barging in here like this and demand to talk to me! Especially today! God, it’s been one of the worst days of my life!” My hand flutters up to cover the top half of my face. “Now I have to deal with you? What are you doing here? What do you want?”
I stand before him, my other hand on my hip, a dark scowl on my face.
Astor turns to face me and just stares for a moment. His eyes travel down the length of me, and I can see that he’s lost his focus and his breath all at once. I grit my teeth and maintain my edge.
It takes him a long moment, but he gathers himself and draws in a deep breath, finally meeting my eyes with his. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you. I wanted to talk with you at the party, but that didn’t happen …” He trails off and looks away for a moment, and I realize that he’s actually been affected by
the loss of his friends, despite the stony exterior he’s maintained for the last two weeks.
Maybe his heart might not be completely hardened and ice cold after all.
Or maybe it’s just that I’m too exhausted to hate him right now.
“I remember,” I tell him, thinking back to how he was hounding me at the Christmas party, trying to get me to talk with him while Eli was trying to introduce me to my dad. Yet another distraction that kept me from what was rightfully mine.
“I wanted to talk with you today, at the funeral, but …” He trails off quietly again and I finish his sentence for him.
“But the whole school was there and god forbid anyone sees you actually speaking to me in public?” I narrow my eyes at him. Last year when Wills stood by me and no one else did, Astor took me aside into a darkened corner and tried to kiss me, tried to get me to agree to be with him behind Victoria’s back while he dated her in public. It disgusted me.
Astor shakes his head in irritation. “That’s not it!”
“No? What is it then, Astor? What do you want?” I demand fiercely.
I can see the frustration in his face and eyes. He comes to me so swiftly, I barely realize it until he is standing before me with my face cupped in his hands, looking up at him.
“You want to know what it is? Fine! I’ll tell you what it is! I can’t stand being without you! I can’t stop thinking about you! I try … god I try, and nothing pushes you out of my mind! You’re always there. Even when I’m trying to focus on anything else, you’re hovering at the edge. I can’t stand it that you’re always with Wills and Blair! I’m … I’ll admit it … I’m jealous of them! Why should they always get to have you?”
I stare at him, wide-eyed. “What? I tried to bring you back with the boys and me, but you chose Victoria! Now you’re telling me you want me?”
“I told you that I wanted you last year!” he growls darkly at me, his hands firm on my face as he glares into my eyes. “Isn’t that enough?”
“Yeah, you wanted me in secret like I was something to be ashamed of, and you still stayed with Victoria. How am I supposed to believe that you want me now?” I demand.
I realize too late the folly of my demands. He brings his mouth to mine, pressing his lips in a hard kiss, and everything in me feels like it’s rushing in every direction.