I turn and look at Dana. “Okay. I’m ready. I’ll see you on the other side.”
“Yes, you are.” She grins at me. “Okay. Celebration after. Go team!”
I take a seat and give Wills a smile when he glances over at me. I wish him luck, but he just turns his head away and looks down at his scratch paper.
I sigh and turn to my own. I was so sure that being on the swim team would give me a way back into his good graces, but he’s staying true to Astor, and it just kills me. It seems like no matter how I try, or what I do, it’s just not enough to break through the wall they’ve all put up between themselves and me. Even Blair’s given up trying to convince me to be his secret part-time lover. Every time I look at him, it’s like the memory of us together just slips further, and further away until it doesn’t seem like a memory at all, but just a dream.
I’ve been trying to get through that wall, but if I don’t find a way soon, I feel like I might as well just give up.
The clock starts and we begin the test. At first I’m doing well.
I’m concentrating on it, and I know the answers. I ignore the clock and focus on each part of it, just like Dana has told me to do. I feel good about it, and I’m going through it pretty fast, but then I hear Wills get frustrated, and I shoot him a glance. I can see that he’s struggling, and I wish I could help him.
I shouldn’t have been so surprised to see him here. I worked with him in math for a significant part of last year … and needless to say, I know he needs this as much as I do. Money can only get you so far.
I go back to my own test, but my mind is wandering to other things; to Wills, to his test, to his attempts to get into Columbia. With Astor and Blair going there as well, it isn’t long before my mind starts to wander. I’ve just started to wonder if there’s even the slightest chance I could get in there too, when suddenly the bell goes off overhead, and I look up in a panic.
I swear there was another half hour left on the essay portion. Where did the time go?
I look back down at the test. I can’t remember filling in half of the booklet. I was so lost in thought about the boys and the future, and finding a way back to them that I totally blew my SAT. With my heart thudding hard in me, I take my test to the proctor, and then walk woodenly out of the classroom.
There’s one thing for sure. I scored abysmally. I’m not even going to get into community college at this point.
Dana is waiting dutifully outside, but her excitement quickly fades as soon as she spots me.
I just shake my head. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
She stares at me in wonder. “Why? What happened? Did you freeze up?”
I can’t tell her. “Dana, I’m so sorry. We’ve been studying so much since we came back, and you’ve done everything to help me, and I just ruined it. I did. My mind drifted and I lost my focus, and it all just … it all just went away! What am I going to do?”
I feel sick to my stomach. I’ve failed tests before, but never something like this. I worked way too hard to just … space out and fail like this.
Dana must think I’m about to cry, because she starts doing that frenzied thing she does where she starts listing off all the things I can do to make it better. And in a way, it does make it better. There’s another test coming up in a few months. I’ll have another go at it. I just pray that Wills does well enough on today’s test that he isn’t there to distract me again.
Seriously, I need blinders or something.
Dana takes me for coffee and a walk through the grounds and gardens, and helps me to get my mind off of everything. I know that if Wills hadn’t been in the testing room it would have been much better. Everything would have been okay, and I would have finished the test and probably done well on it. I’m determined to take it again and make sure that nothing keeps me from doing my very best on it the next time around.
Days pass, and my longing for the boys grows deeper. I swear it’s something about the changing of the leaves, or that crisp scent that comes with fall. Wills is still keeping a distance from me at the pool, Blair refuses to speak to me or look at me, and Astor is even colder than both of them. It breaks my heart and begins to consume my mind both in waking and in sleep, until I just can’t leave it be anymore.
I can’t give up without at least getting the chance to talk to them, one on one. If I don’t get closure, I’m not really going to be able to move on.
I can’t keep letting this distraction put the rest of my life in jeopardy.
Getting them alone at school without Victoria hovering around is almost impossible, but the perfect solution presents itself to me when her annual Halloween party comes back around. It’s a big bash; the biggest party of the year. She has a cousin who lives close to the school, and every year she throws a rager there that is the social event of the fall.
Last year it was the tipping point in my relationship with the boys. They had been teasing me and torturing me, hazing me and flirting with me, not really giving in to their attraction while simultaneously making my life incredibly difficult at school. All it took was me nearly dying of a drug overdose to bring us all together.
I really hope it doesn’t have to come that far again.
I’m not technically invited … but that isn’t going to stop me. I mean, it’s not like they can do anything else to me that they haven’t already done. Anything for a chance to try to get them alone for a few minutes just to talk, to clear the air between us and find some way to end this toxic, horrible thing between us all. I have to do something. I can’t just keep going on like this.
Chapter 10
This is where joining the drama club really starts to pay off.
Halloween comes and I have a costume all picked out. I’m going to be in Venetian masquerade, complete with a beautiful gown and a painted mask to cover my face. I’ll look like I just dropped in straight from Carnevale in Venice, full wig and all. I’m looking forward to being a stranger, just for one night. No one other than the boys ever have to know I was there.