And then it hits me.
All the effort, the clubs, the college plans—it’s all been a distraction from the real thing. I’m not going to stop … but I’m also not going to stop there.
I would give anything, do anything, to have them back … and Astor’s actions today gives me the tiniest smidgeon of hope that it might actually be possible.
A surge of determination swells up in me, and I know that if I am going to be happy at all this year, I am going to have to do whatever it takes to win the boys back; my boys, my friends. I’m not going to give up on them, even if they’ve given up on me.
I will show them just how much they mean to me. I’ll talk to them. I’ll make sure they understand it, and I know that as much as they cared for me last year, they won’t be able to deny what’s between us all. They were all mine once before, and I am going to move heaven and earth to make sure that they will all be mine once again.
And I won’t hide in the shadows to do it.
Chapter 8
I think I have a plan … but I can’t share it with Dana just yet.
I write off my behavior earlier as being overwhelmed by everything, and though I think she knows it has more to do with Astor and the others, she doesn’t pry. I spread out the brochures on my desk and announce I’ve figured out what I need to do to increase my chances of getting into college.
I’m going to join a team.
Any team.
It doesn’t matter so much which one … so long as Wills is in it.
There’s only so long that they can go on ignoring me. So far I’ve let them...but those days are done. I’ll make them acknowledge me, and then I’m going to make them get to know me. The real me.
And I think they’ll find that they knew me all along.
There’s an immediate problem with my plan, however. I find it standing at the base of the stairs where the results of all the recent tryouts have been posted—and it’s that I missed every single one of them.
“Ah well,” Dana says, shrugging her bag back up higher on her shoulder. “You could probably use the time to study anyway.”
“No!” I say, and then quickly back off because I know it sounds way more aggressive than I meant. “Only … I really think this is going to help. There has to be something …” I trail off, one finger running down the lists of rosters. Wills is on nearly every one of them. I have no idea where he finds time for it all.
No wonder he struggles with math, I think, where does he find any time to study?
That’s when I see it.
Swim team.
I remember something I overheard Wills saying about it, and immediately jot down the name of the swim coach and tell Dana I’ll catch up with her later. The coach is surprised to see me, but he admits that they still have a couple spots open that they can’t seem to fill now that they moved to the winter season.
I don’t even know what that means, but I sign up anyway. He just seems glad to have a spot filled, even if he does look at me a little funny when I tell him I haven’t gone swimming since I was … jeez … must be seven or eight years now. The closest thing I’ve gotten is nearly drowning in that sailboat accident last year, but even then it can hardly count. I was wearing a lifejacket at the time, and the way the waves were sloshing me around, it was more like floundering than swimming.
I just hope come Monday, I find out swimming is like riding a bicycle and you never really do forget.
This is my way back in. Wills might be able to ignore me outside, but he’s going to have to talk to me if I’m on his team. If there’s one thing he takes seriously, more seriously possibly even than Astor, it’s sports.
It won’t matter what I did last year, when we are in the pool or at a meet, I am his responsibility, I am his teammate, and I know that he is going to put that above all else. He is truer to that than he is to Astor, or at least, that’s what I’m counting on.
Now that it’s on my mind, Monday can’t come soon enough. Even though Dana and I spend the weekend studying for the SAT test I have coming up, in the back of my mind I am focused on Wills and the chance I might have to be close to him again. I still haven’t made up my mind on how to get to the other two, but if I can get to Wills … I’m sure the rest will fall into place.
I head straight to the pool as soon as my last class is over on Monday. It takes everything in me not to get caught staring at Wills in class all day. I’m trying to gauge his mood, any possible reaction he might have towards me … but it’s hopeless. He’s unreadable here. This isn’t his element, but soon it will be.
I’m in my suit, ready and waiting for everyone else when the rest of the team shows up at the swimming pool. I see Wills as he walks through the door and his gaze shifts to see me standing there in my swimsuit. He stops mid-step for a moment and stares at me, his mouth opening partway. He’s confused, and then frustrated, but still he says nothing.
My heart sinks as he walks straight into the locker rooms without a single word to me, or another glance at all.
I try to sit and listen as the coach tries, and fails quite miserably, to introduce me to the rest of the team. I’m the butt of several dead-pan looks, but fortunately, he doesn’t seem to notice. Or if he does, he certainly doesn’t care.