What is there to lose?
I’ve already lost Astor, Wills, and Blair … the last of them twice. I lost my dignity, my reputation. My innocence. I gave them the space they needed … or at least, I thought they needed. That didn’t solve my problem. As far as I know, I’m still blacklisted in more ways than one … so really … what’s left to lose?
“Alright,” I say. “I’m listening.”
Dana is on a mission. “Well think about this. They might rule the school, but you have the upper hand here.”
I stare at her in disbelief. “I’m sorry … I must be totally missing your point here. How exactly do I have the upper hand?”
“You can’t be brought down any lower.”
“Ouch,” I say, but she just goes on.
“You can only go up. You nearly flunked out of school last year because you were so busy trying to keep up with them, but this year you don’t have any of that. Your grades are going to rock and you will have tons more time for extra-curriculars. You can go out for any of the clubs or teams.”
This is not the direction I thought she was headed, but I’m not about to shit on her parade. She starts listing out all the clubs and activities I can use to fill the void in my life left by the boys sitting less than a hundred yards away from me.
I have to stop her, however, when she suggests I join the Chess Club.
“I thought you said I couldn’t sink any lower,” I retort dryly.
“Then volleyball.”
“I hate things being thrown at my head.”
She’s smiling widely at me now, and I know she’s not going to be subdued now that she’s got an idea like this in her head. “There’s got to be something you’re good at.”
I shrug. “I think you might be surprised. Unless they have a club for delinquents who are still really bad at picking locks, I doubt it.”
“You’re missing the point,” she says, exasperated. “What I’m trying to say is—not everyone can keep hating you forever. You just have to give them a chance to get to know the real you. Give them a chance to know Teddy Price.”
I want to doubt her. The cynical part of me wants to believe that my lot is sealed. Better to keep my head down and out of the way rather than risk getting burned again, right?
But then … I think back to the dark cloud that hovered over my spring semester, and the brief moment of light that came with Blair. I’m not sure I’m ready to head into the darkness again. Not just yet.
“I guess it’s better than more of …” I motion to a group of girls sitting to our left who promptly looks away, “this.”
“Yes,” she says, nodding vigorously. “I’ve always found keeping busy helps me not think of Victoria so much … and to be honest, I have a feeling you’re going to need it if you’re getting into Columbia with me next year.”
The sheer absurdity of that statement almost makes me shoot milk out of my nose. “And I think you’re delusional if you think I can get in there,” I say, giggling.
There, she’s gone and done it. Dana is a lifesaver, once again. I smile at her with gratitude and relief, my dark mood lifted. “But I’ll give it my best shot. I promise.”
At that moment, there’s a burst of laughter and scraping chairs as the holy trinity rises from their table. I can’t help but notice how Victoria clings to Astor’s arm, and for once, he doesn’t flinch back.
Dana frowns at the sight of them, and tries to distract me by shoving the rest of her cake my way as an offering. “You should forget them. They can’t see past their privilege. Anyone who isn’t already in the club has a seriously hard time getting in, and once anyone’s in, if they screw up at all, they’re out for life or longer.”
“That’s me. Out for life or longer,” I say, accepting the distraction. I take another bite and try to focus on the chocolate instead of the emotion that wants to choke me again.
“Don’t let it get to you this year. It’s not ever about anything that matters. It’s all based off of who their parents are.” Dana shakes her head.
“I have no idea who my parents are,” I admit, wondering if that’s a good thing or not.
“Did you ever try to find them?” Dana asks, before quickly adding, “Sorry if that’s insensitive. I mean, I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t.”
I scoff and dive deeper into the chocolate. “It wouldn’t change anything. But yes … I tried to get the records once, but I never got anywhere. Whoever dropped me into foster care had the records sealed, and there’s no getting into them now. Might as well be Fort Knox.”
Dana bites at her lower lip thoughtfully for a moment. “You know, I don’t know if I ever mentioned it to you, but my dad is a judge; kind of high ranking in the court system.”