“Good morning,” he begins, clearly uncertain of how he should be addressing me after my reaction last night. “I got you this duffle bag for your stuff. I guess you probably don’t want to walk into school with all your things in a garbage bag.”
I narrow my eyes at him. I barely slept all night, and it’s left me more than a little touchy. As if I wasn’t touchy already once Blair told me he’s going to go back to ignoring me like the coward he is.
“Why, because anyone who actually stops to look at me might think I’m an orphan?”
He exhales slowly and looks down in shame. “Look, I just … I thought it might be nicer for you. Take it or leave it.”
I walk past him into the kitchen and make myself a cup of coffee. He follows me at a distance, trying to ease the tension between us by asking me if I slept well. I can’t imagine why he cares. After we get to school he’s going to be pretending like he hates me, or worse, that I don’t even exist.
“No.” I say simply, and drink the coffee.
He turns away from me and reaches for his own bag and his keys. “We should get going.”
I take my time walking past him to snatch up the bag. At the very least, maybe he’ll feel guilty seeing me with it around campus. It can serve as a reminder of everything that went on between us this weekend. Everything that is now, decidedly, over.
It’s a long, quiet ride to the school. If there was any other way to actually get there, any at all, I would have taken it just so I don’t have to wrap my arms around his waist the whole way up. As much as I love the way it feels to hold him, I tell myself that it’s probably never going to happen again. I can’t be with a boy who only wants me when no one else is looking. It’s going to have to be all or none with me. He can take it or leave it, and from everything he told me last night, it’s clear he’s going to leave it.
That’s not the only thing he leaves. When we reach the town nearest to the school, he pulls the bike over at a gas station. We get off and he looks at me with no small amount of shame.
“I think it’s probably best if I let you off here,” he says with a quiet voice, staring at the ground. “I put a hundred bucks in the pocket of the duffle bag. You can use it to get a cab to the school. I just think … it would be easier if no one saw you getting off the bike.”
“Are you serious?” Just when I thought he couldn’t be any colder. I pull the helmet off and shove it at his midsection. “I can’t believe you’re so ashamed to be seen with me that you’re dumping me off three miles from the school.”
“Look, I’m sorry. I just … I don’t really have a choice. I wish you could understand.” He lifts his sullen green eyes to meet mine.
“Oh, I understand. I’m good enough to use in your bed for a weekend, but not good enough to be seen with in public.” I am as cold as ice to him, and it’s killing me. I want so much for things to be as incredible as they were just days ago.
He furrows his brow at me. “Hey, you’re not one to be talking about using people. This is nothing compared to what you did.”
I shake my head at him. “All this time … and you’re still so thickheaded. Don’t do that. Don’t you dare do that to me. You know what? If this is how you want it, then fine. This is how it will be.”
I pick up the duffle bag and walk away from him, going to the payphone nearby. He watches me for a minute, and then crams his helmet onto his head and roars off on his bike, leaving me like he found me: stranded.
The cab shows up and takes me to the school, and the whole way there, it’s all I can do not to cry. I used to think I wasn’t much of a crier, but now he’s gotten me started I’m struggling to stop. I have to be strong. He’s already told me what a long year it’s going to be. I am a tough, strong girl, and I’ve dealt with a lot of crap in my life. This is just going to be another difficult thing to deal with, but I can do it.
I pay the driver and get out in front of Hawthorne Academy. One glance up at it and the surrounding buildings reminds me of Astor, the current reigning Hawthorne at the school his family founded. He’s the big man on campus. No matter how high someone else might climb, they’ll never top him. Not while his name is emblazoned upon every one of our breast pockets.
As much as he can be a total, complete ass … I wish that I was coming back under different terms. He and the others; they grew so close to me last year before it all fell apart. They were my protectors, my friends, my introductions to romance. They were everything to me, and then when the truth came out, every one of them turned away from me.
Coming back to face them here, especially after Blair gave me an up-close-and-personal reminder of what it’s like to be with them, is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I have to do it. My future is going to be what I make it, and I have the opportunity to do my best in my classes and find a college that can launch me into the kind of life I want to have; successful and productive. And very far away from here, and all my misery.
/> I have to do it because I can’t let all these rich kids get the better of me.
Yes, I lied and tricked everyone to get in here, but I was found out and now I’m here as myself. This is Teddy’s opportunity, my opportunity to start over.
And besides, it’s the only place I have to lay my head. When the choice is between Hawthorne Academy and homeless, it’s not really a choice at all.
I’m coming here as a legitimate student this time, using my own real name. No more lies. No more false identity. No more secrets to hide. It’s just me, here at the school, doing all that I can to make it work. If I turn my attention to my studies and to college, maybe I can get through a year of being ignored by those I care most about.
One year, I remind myself. And then it’ll all be over, forever.
I think I can do it if I have at least one friend by my side. Dana might still be that friend. I’d assumed she was trying to distance herself from me, the black mark back here at the school, when I didn’t hear from her all summer. But if Blair told the truth … he might have not been the only one to call. There’s only one way to find out.
Cast out and abandoned, I’m still feeling the venom Ms. Martin used to poison my life.
I go in through the huge gates and take a deep breath as I walk into the school. It smells the same. It looks the same. I’m so glad to be back, and so terrified all at the same time.
I say nothing as I walk through the main hall and up the grand staircase, past people who glance at me and then turn away. It’s strangely comforting in a way I didn’t expect. They might be acting the same way they did last semester, but at least they aren’t pretending to be anything other than they are.