And more importantly, I realize just how not okay with that I am.
More important than my earlier realization, I realize for the first time how utterly unhappy I’m becoming. Not because my crazy, abusive father is still out there somewhere waiting to try and kidnap me again. Not because my mother has, for whatever reason, completely given up at being a mother. And not because I’m jealous of some beautiful girl getting attention from the boys.
I’m unhappy because I want to be her. I want to be Vivian and have her life.
I want to be able to stay with the boys through everything, through every aspect of their lives, so I know for sure that I’m not going to wake up one day to find out that they’ve disappeared for good.
I can’t feel like some sort of hindrance, that they’re always trying to keep me from getting killed and making them go up against their own kind. I don’t care what it will feel like to be turned. I don’t care what Vivian says.
That isn’t what scares me. Compared to the fears I’ve felt over the last year and a half, that’s nothing.
None of that matters to me. What matters to me is that I can’t fathom the thought of living without them now.
I can’t be without them
More than that, I want to be with them. Fully. Completely. Utterly.
They already have my heart—I want them to have the rest of me.
I want to know what it feels like for Rory, or Kaleb, or Marlowe, not to stop … not to reign themselves in out of fear of losing control when their eyes glow yellow and they’re about to make love to me.
7
Sabrina
I must not be the only one made restless by Vivian’s conversation because for the next few days, the boys stay pretty close to me despite Romulus’ constant muttered warnings.
Of course, Vivian is also staying pretty close too, and though I’ve grown to dislike her a little less, that I’m not as keen on.
It’s not that I dislike her entirely, it’s just that I still haven’t figured out what to make of her. I feel like an outsider with her, like she has some sort of special connection with them that I don’t. That I’ll never have.
It doesn’t help that she always seems to know more about what’s going on than I do.
“You know,” she says to Rory as we are all sitting around up in one of the mansion’s libraries. Marlowe had wanted to show me a book that had a beautifully illustrated history of the eclipse, so we all decided to hang out in the library for a bit while he looked for it. Not that I would have taken much convincing. “You should talk to your father about making peace with Remus.”
Rory makes a snorting sound. “That’s not likely going to happen.”
“Why shouldn’t it?” Vivian asks. “It’s been a long time now and Remus wants peace. Certainly, Romulus can’t hold ill-will against him forever.
“You don’t know my father that well then,” Rory says. “He’ll take his grievance to the grave with him if he thinks it’s justified, even if it’s against his own brother.”
I perk up instantly.
Brother?
This is the first I’ve heard of him.
“Your father has a brother?” I ask. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to imagine.
“Yes,” Rory admits, hesitating only for a moment. “Remus is the leader of the biggest North American pack. My father used to rule at his side until they had a falling-out years ago. Ever since then, he tries not to talk about Remus at all. I think he prefers to pretend that his brother no longer exists.”
“Ha,” Vivian laughs without any humor. “As if anyone could ignore the existence of Remus. I think your father should revisit the idea of making peace with him.”
Kaleb and Marlowe start to chime
in with their own thoughts, but all of their voices seem to drown out in my head. There’s still so much about them that I don’t know, so much that Vivian understands about them that I don’t, and I wonder if I’ll ever know as much about them as she does.
Things are pretty status quo for the next few days.