“I’m sorry. I spaced for a second. What were you saying?” I tried to play it cool, like nothing had just happened and that I hadn’t gone into a Daniel-space zone.
Hearts were too sensitive, too easily swayed if not properly protected. That organ could fuck everything up for me if I allowed it. I had to stop thinking about Daniel and his stupid, perfect lips.
“I was saying,” she paused for a moment, “that your rules are dumb. One day, you’re going to meet someone who will show you exactly that and you’ll break those damn rules without a second thought. Then, what?”
I sighed a long, drawn-out overdramatic sound. “I guess we’ll see if that ever happens, but it won’t ’cause I won’t let it.”
“You can’t control everything in your life.”
“Wanna bet?”
“You’ll see. You’re going to want a partner, your other half. You’ll want love.” Her tone turned serious as her face looked almost forlorn.
I nodded to make her feel better. “You’re probably right. But I don’t want it right now. I truly don’t care about any of that. I’m so fulfilled in other ways that truly matter to me that I don’t miss what everyone else thinks I should be looking for.”
“Okay, I get that, but, you seem to hate the very idea of it.”
“Of what? A relationship?”
“Love. You hate love,” she said the words so effortlessly.
I wanted to cringe from just hearing them. They reminded me of what Daniel had said about me hating men.
“I do not,” I tried to argue, but it was no use.
“Don’t lie to me.”
“If I were a guy, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. You’d be encouraging me to go out and screw everything that walked, and then you’d high-five me every time I did.”
Her eyebrows pulled together as her face scrunched. “Uh…I’m still encouraging you to go out and screw everything that walks, and I’d do more than high-five you. I’d buy you a damn cookie.”
“I do like cookies.” I glanced up at the ceiling tiles, pondering her idea.
“See? That’s motivation to meet men and break your rules—cookies!”
“Seriously, Barbara, the last thing I need in my life right now is a stupid, needy man. I’m busy enough without having to think about someone else’s schedule.”
Of course, I’d already thought about someone else’s schedule all last night and all this morning. Daniel had infected my mind with his eyes and lips.
“What are you babbling on about?”
“Just all the stuff that goes along with being in a relationship. You know what I mean. I don’t miss checking in with someone all the time or asking for permission or running things by another person or taking his feelings into consideration on every stupid little detail. It’s so much work, and I have enough work.”
“When did you get so unromantic?” she whined, dramatically throwing her head back.
I could pinpoint two exact occasions, and Barbara already knew about one, but I kept the other locked inside.
Shrugging at her would have to suffice for an answer.
“I know Ben really hurt you—” she started to say.
I put a hand up to stop her. “That stuff with Ben happened forever ago.”
“Doesn’t mean it didn’t scar you.”
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” I pouted.
10.