I waited for the relief to flood her eyes, but it never came. “You believe me, don’t you?” I asked, wondering if she thought I might be lying to her, something I’d never do.
Her sad eyes loo
ked through me as she nodded halfheartedly. “I believe you.”
“Then what is it? I’ve missed you so much. I knew you had to be freaking out, and there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn’t call you. I didn’t know Kristy’s number, or your mom’s. I didn’t have any way to get a hold of you, and by the time we landed in New York, I was losing my fucking mind over it.” As I admitted all of this to her, I clenched and released my fists over and over again.
Cammie gave me a dejected look. “Same here. Except I pretty much thought you were dead and that no one would ever tell me because no one knew about me.” More tears spilled down her cheeks, each one gutting me more than the last. “There was a part of me that honestly thought I’d never see you again.”
Nothing made me feel smaller than the pain I caused this woman. I felt like less of a man for it, and wished more than anything that I could go back and change it. But I couldn’t.
“Please don’t cry. You’re breaking my heart.” I punched at my chest. “I came back as soon as I could. My whole squad’s still in the city. I flew home tonight because I couldn’t wait another day to see you, and I knew you’d be worried. I just didn’t realize how much. I’m such an idiot. I’m so fucking sorry.”
She sucked in a long breath and wiped at her cheeks with the back of her hand. “I had a panic attack on Friday when you didn’t show up to the restaurant.”
My jaw dropped slightly as she recounted what had happened that evening, her voice growing more despondent with each minute that passed. It tore me apart to hear what she’d gone through, even more so knowing it was all because of me.
“I’ve never had a panic attack before in my life,” she said. “I thought I was dying. I made Kristy take me to the hospital because I was convinced I was having a heart attack.”
I pressed my palms to my eyes and rubbed. Tired of telling her how sorry I was, I didn’t know what the hell else to say to fix this. And it needed to be fixed because she wasn’t okay; that much I knew.
Cammie looked up at me, her eyes huge and glistening with tears. “I can’t do this. I can’t go through this with you, Dalton.”
She can’t be saying what I think she’s saying. This is not happening.
“What do you mean exactly?” Everything seemed to stand still as I held my breath, waiting for what she would say next.
“I saw what losing my dad did to my mom and I can’t be in that position. I can’t willingly put myself through this with you.” She pressed her lips together as she swiped away her tears, sitting up a little straighter as she built up a wall against me, pushing me out.
“But you understand where I’ve been and why I couldn’t call, right?” I reached out, wanting to touch her, to pull her in my arms and kiss some sense into her, but pulled my hand back.
She nodded, but didn’t meet my eyes. “I do. I’m not mad at you, my brain understands the logic of it all, but you weren’t here. You didn’t see what I went through emotionally. You don’t know how I felt.”
Cammie tried to explain, but I could see I was losing her. Her body language changed completely as she tried to close herself off from me. I had to keep fighting.
“I know this is hard for you. I can only imagine what the idea of me getting hurt does to you. But, Cammie, I just got you back. Please don’t ask me to walk away from you again. I don’t think I can do it.”
She frowned at me, her brows drawing together as if I’d said the stupidest thing ever. “Dalton, I had a freaking panic attack! And that happened because I was worried about you and thought something had happened to you. You not showing up triggered something in me that made me come undone. I can’t live my life like that. I can’t be worried all the time and have to take a bunch of pills to deal with it.”
Seeing the pain in Cammie’s eyes reminded me so much of how she’d looked after her dad’s death. The vacant dullness had returned, only this time it was because of me. Her expression looked hollowed out, and it sent me back to those dark days when Cammie had first stopped smiling. And it absolutely gutted me to know that I was the cause of her anguish.
How could I convince her that I’d never leave her; that I’d be okay? In this job, my safety could never be guaranteed, but I refused to lie to her about it. On the other hand, I couldn’t let her go. Not again. Not after reconnecting the way we had. There was a special bond between Cammie and me, something that never quite died with time. It didn’t fade away, lessen, or cease to exist, instead it simmered, waiting for us to come within feet of each other so it could reignite and set us both aflame.
I was on fire and I refused to burn alone.
She could attempt to convince herself that she didn’t need me, or this, but I knew in my heart it was a lie. There was no way I could pretend that this connection between us didn’t exist or that I could live without it—or without her. Sure, I could exist without Cammie Carmichael, but that’s all I would be doing . . . existing. I wouldn’t truly be living without her by my side.
Reaching out, I lifted her chin so she would meet my eyes. “I don’t want to lie to you and tell you that my job isn’t dangerous at times, because it is. But it’s not always like that. What can I say to reassure you? Tell me what to say and I’ll say it.”
Looking up at me, her eyes wide with fear told me everything I needed to know. Then her words confirmed my suspicions of what prompted her need to pull away from me.
“All of this terrifies me,” she said, her eyes shining with unshed tears. “Absolutely terrifies me. I see the cycle repeating, and I don’t want to be incapable of taking care of myself if something happens to you. You know, the way my mother was. ”
“You’re not your mom,” I said firmly, trying to reassure her and sway her back over to my side. But the truth was that I had no idea how much Cammie was—or wasn’t—like her mom, and she knew it.
Cammie shook her head wildly. “You weren’t here. You didn’t see me. Ask Kristy when she’s awake. She’ll tell you how not okay I was, and how much I hated myself for feeling that way.”
“I want to fix this. How can I fix this for us?” I pleaded with her, wanting so badly to take her in my arms. If I thought she’d let me kiss her, I’d do it until all her pain was gone. Not touching her after being away from her was killing me. My hands itched to be touching her body.