He smiled. “Eh. The rest of the world isn’t lucky enough to get to do this for a living. And you know damn well that if they could do this, they would. No real man would walk away from this opportunity. ”
The hairs on my neck bristled as I formulated my response. “I don’t think playing baseball makes you a real man. I think taking care of your family and being there for them is what being a real man is about. ”
He looked me directly in the eye. “But we are taking care of them, Carter. We’re providing a life for them that most can’t. I know we aren’t home all the time, but there are plenty of men who travel for work for a living. And trust me, their jobs are nowhere near as cool as ours. ”
Frank was definitely a glass-half-full kind of guy and I was drowning in a glass-half-empty kind of night. “This isn’t the life I wanted to provide,” I said. My thoughts turned fuzzy as the scotch filled my head.
“Well, this is the hand you were dealt. A million other guys would gladly take your spot. ”
His comment pissed me off, but he was right. I couldn’t have it both ways. I could either be a baseball player until I couldn’t throw anymore, or I could be home with my family. Either way, I needed to stop bitching like a little girl. I sounded like Dean.
As soon as I got home, I turned off the light over the stove that Cassie had left on for me. I punched in my security code and dropped my bag to the floor before I crept up the stairs. Peeking in on my little stud, I leaned down to give him a peck on the cheek. His eyelids fluttered, but he didn’t wake up.
Walking down the hallway into the master bedroom, I kissed my sleeping wife, then slipped my hand under her pajama top. She turned over and groaned. “Jack?”
“You expecting someone else?” I teased as her eyes opened.
“Maybe. What day of the week is it again?” She chuckled and I silenced her with my mouth. I nipped at her lips before she parted them so I could kiss her more deeply. Her tongue stroked against mine in a frantic dance. “I missed you. ”
“I missed you too. I’m sorry I’m always gone. ” I rolled on top of her and leaned on my elbows, so I could look down at her beautiful sleepy face.
“Don’t apologize, Jack. I’ve told you a hundred times that I knew what I was getting into. ” Her hands cupped the sides of my face and I wanted to freeze this moment.
“But did you know I’d leave you alone when we had a kid? Did you sign up to be a single mom forever?”
“I’m not a single mom,” she huffed out before nudging me to move over. “What do you want to hear, that it sucks sometimes? That I hate it when you aren’t here? Because some days I do, Jack. I really do. Like when Chance does something so cute or says something super funny and I wish you were here to share that moment with me. And it’s not just because you’re missing the things that Chance does, but because I’m missing sharing them with you. I want to turn and look at you and laugh about how crazy our boy is, but when I look, you’re not there. And those are the parts that make me sad. ”
If she wanted to break what little resolve I had left, she was doing a damn good job. “That’s exactly what I’m talking about. ”
“But most of the time, I’m okay. ” She rolled onto her side to face me. “We’re okay. And those moments when I get sad, they don’t happen all the time. Of course I always wish you were here, but the really hard parts, they’re just a flash. All right?”
“I didn’t know I was marrying a superhero. ”
“You didn’t? Who else would Harry Potter marry?” She laughed at the nickname she’d given me all those years ago. I couldn’t believe it had stuck after all this time. I’m way hotter than Harry fucking Potter.
The End of a Dream
I’d never planned on keeping things from Kitten, but this was something I needed to do on my own. I mentioned to her at the beginning of the season about how I was thinking about this being my last one. She smiled and patted my arm as if to fucking placate me.
She definitely didn’t think I was serious. But I was.
I am.
Lately I had begun to hate myself. I knew what I needed to do to save my family and my sanity; I had to make a choice. And there was really only one choice for me.
This whole season I’d been playing like it was the last time I’d be doing it. I said good-bye to every stadium and field as though I knew I wouldn’t be playing on it ever again. I laughed more, enjoyed the game more, felt less stressed. It was so liberating to know in my heart that I was making this decision on my own terms.
I hadn’t told anyone yet. Not my agents, not even Dean.
I’d reached that elusive tenth season and my pension was fully vested. It was a shit thing to make it about the money, but it wasn’t really about the money, per se, it was about the security for my future. My family’s future. I couldn’t play this game forever, and as respected as I was, snot-nosed little rookies who threw faster than I ever did were being born every day. Who knew, maybe one day that would be my boy. Or my nephew.
I was finally ready to say good-bye to the one thing that had owned me almost my entire life. My mind flashed back to the day I got hurt and the weeks that followed. I’d come so far from where I was then. I remembered fighting within myself and the feeling of utter dread that my career might be over. But I didn’t feel anything like that now. This decision, this moment, it felt right.
I fucking couldn’t wait to tell my girl. And my boy.
What the hell was my family going to do when Daddy was home all year long?
I’d probably drive them both crazy; Cassie would probably kill me in my fucking sleep. I was sure I’d deserve it, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to be there.