Easton runs off to get Oakes, and I stalk off to the Aston Martin where Kelley is standing. He seems to sense the urgency in my walk, putting away his newspaper and nodding at me wearily as I approach him. He's devastated by Pandora's disappearance, too, and has confided in me several times about how close he'd gotten with my toy during the drives to and from Prep.
"Where are we going, Master Booth?" he asks, not hesitating for a second as he slips back into the driver's seat.
"The Oakes' old wood cabin," I mutter. "That's where they've been hiding."
"How the fuck do you know that?" Julian demands. Caspian follows closely behind, their worried glances tracking me as I tap my fingers against the car door.
"I recognized one of the hunting trophies in the background," I mutter, pointing to the background of the photo where a deer's head is nailed to a wall. "Always hated those things. Where the fuck is Oakes?"
"I'm here!" Emilian rushes down the steps, looking flushed as he undoes his bowtie and the first few buttons of his shirt. "Do you really know where they are?"
"Positive," I mutter. "Let's fucking go, right now."
We put our seatbelts on and Kelley pulls out of the driveway to t
he guys' insistence they should come with. But I don't want them to. I'm only taking Oakes so he'll stop me from killing Lily Anna when I find her.
I don't know whether the text is a sick game on her part, or another clever ruse. Why would she send me that? Why would she fuck with my head even more? She's a fucking bitch. I won't let her live after this. Not if she hurt the baby.
We drive in silence, the air thick with tension. I don't have anything to say to Oakes, and he seems too preoccupied with his own thoughts to deal with me, anyway.
My mind drifts back to Pandora. She looked so heavily pregnant in that photo, and yet exactly the same as I remember her. The hard truth of it dawns on me—it's been months since I've last seen her, felt her skin on my skin. Maybe she doesn't want me anymore. Maybe my effect on her has waned. Maybe she's over me.
But then I remember her tormented gaze in the photograph. She looked tortured, unhappy, miserable. And she never looked that way with me. Maybe defiant, stubborn, pissed off, but she was never unhappy. Lily Anna did this. Lily Anna took my beautiful toy and turned her into this.
I'm preoccupied with the sad expression on Pandora's face. I can't bear to think about what was causing her frown. Her belly, swollen with a child growing in it. A child that may or may not be mine.
I don't know which would be a bigger relief—finding out I am the father after all, or accepting that I am not.
I don't know how the truth will impact my decision, or Pandora's. If it's Julian, Caspian or Easton's... she might pick either of them over me.
And that fucking hurts.
I hate the feeling of pain.
Hate the way it swells in my chest and prevents me from breathing properly. Hate how fucking insecure it makes me feel. But I try to accept it, invite it in almost. Darkness has always been a part of me. Maybe it's finally time for me to hold the door open for it to enter.
There's a chance she won't want me. If that happens, I'll do everything in my power to convince Pandora Oakes I deserve her.
And if she picks someone else, I'll let them live their life, happy, together.
But if she picks me... then... maybe, finally, I'll have a chance of being happy, too.
My nails dig painfully into my palms. We're almost halfway to the cabin, and I'm being a sentimental fucking mess.
"How much longer?" I hiss, even though I know the answer.
"Another twenty minutes, I'm afraid, Master Booth," Kelley replies apologetically. "The roads up here are awful."
I groan, running my hands through my hair. "Why did nobody think to check the cabin?"
"It's been abandoned for years," Oakes replies. "Nobody knows about it."
"Lily Anna does," I hiss. "You should have known."
"You should have as well," Emilian strikes back.
He's right.