From the moment I open the box, freeing the scent of cardstock, long-faded flowers, and a church filled with women’s perfume and musty winter coats, there are tears in my eyes.
By the time I pull out the cards and the program with Sean’s smiling face on the front, two hot trails are leaking quietly down my face. But I don’t fight these tears. I gave myself permission to feel this hurt a long time ago. To deny it would be to deny Sean and to push the memory of him away, which I never want to do.
I want him close, even if it hurts.
I find Graham’s card near the bottom and pull it free, opening to the message written inside.
Dear CJ,
I don’t know what to say.
I’m usually good with words, but they escape me now that I really need them. When I want so badly to make this easier for you, and for myself.
But I can’t.
All I know is that I will never forget him. Sean was one of the best of us. He was a true friend to me, and from now on, I hope you’ll let me be the same to you. I’m here for you. Anything you need. That means today, tomorrow, and ten years from now, because I’m not going anywhere.
I know I can never take his place. I wouldn’t dare to try. But I’m here to hold your hand or be a shoulder to cry on or to take you for brunch the way Sean used to do. Whatever will help. I know it helps me to know that you’re still here. To know I’ll have someone to share memories with. I don’t want to lose those memories. Or you.
Sending you all my love today, as we gather to honor your wonderful brother.
Your friend for always,
Graham
With my throat so tight it’s hard to draw a full breath, I press the card to my heart. I knew he had said it before. And he means it. He wants to be there for me, and the last thing I want to do is push him away.
Maybe it’s time to stop moping around my apartment feeling sorry for myself and take action. To fight for Graham’s heart as fiercely as I negotiated for a week in his bed.
Sure, I could sit here with my hurt feelings and try to figure out the least painful path forward. But then I would be acting like a coward, like a woman who didn’t know how short life can be and how imperative it is to be brave. That may be the most important lesson I’ve learned, and I will draw upon all my courage to put my heart all the way on the line, no matter what. Graham is worth it, and I’m worth it, too.
“I will,” I promise Sean, pressing a kiss to my finger and dropping it to his photograph. “I promise.”
I box up the cards, tuck them way, then wipe my eyes. Time to be brave.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Graham
Valerie opens the door to the arena for me with a stern smile and a wag of her finger. “You have five minutes.”
“Thank you, Valerie.”
“No, thank you. That Stellar Spa gift card was everything I needed. If it weren’t for you, Luna would be giving me forks and paperweights.” She shudders before jabbing her thumb down the hallway. “Okay, on second thought, you have ten minutes. I’ll wait here for you.”
I thank her for doing me a solid and letting me into the arena.
Maybe this is crazy, but it feels like the sanest thought I’ve had all day. Sean was my rock, the guy I turned to. He was steady, reliable, and quick with an answer. Almost always, the answer was an upbeat one. It was “seize the day” or “go for it.”
And it was almost always delivered here.
This arena is where we hatched some of our greatest plans.
As I walk through the stands, closer to the ice, I swear I can feel Sean’s presence. That might mean I’m losing my mind. Or maybe that’s how it goes when you lose somebody you love. You can feel them in places that matter. In the things you shared.
If he were here, I’d ask him what to do next.
When you fall hard for your buddy’s sister, you need to man up and let him know.