Zach raked a hand over his beard. “Damn it,” he muttered, then started to pace her room. He reminded Sophie of a caged animal. There was so much rage, so much anger in him, and he no doubt directed all his negative feelings toward himself. Right now he was doing the blame game again, reliving that night. Still, no matter how many times he went over what happened, it wouldn’t change her feelings.
He stopped just beside her window, his back to her as he looked out onto her yard. “So you had more than a pin put in your hip from the accident.”
Sophie didn’t respond. Zach wasn’t asking, he was working through the demons that had reared their ugly heads.
He slammed the side of his fist against the wall. Sophie couldn’t handle the separation another second. As she crossed the room, Flynn darted in and scurried beneath her bed. Sophie would love nothing more than to hide, but ignoring feelings and shutting everyone out was the crux of the problem here.
“Don’t, Sophie.” Zach didn’t turn, but he stopped her with his low, hurt tone. “Don’t come closer, don’t touch me.”
She continued to move toward him until she was right behind him. Wrapping her arms around his waist, she laid her cheek against his taut back.
“I won’t let you push me away.”
He didn’t reach down to touch her joined hands, but he didn’t step away either. A minor victory in her fight.
“I’m not pushing you away,” he corrected. “I’m facing facts. We can’t be together. You know that.”
Sophie squeezed him tighter for a moment before dropping her arms. She wanted him more than her next breath, but she refused to be a clinging woman or someone who used guilt to keep a man.
“I don’t know any such thing,” she countered as she took a step back. “At least look at me if you’re going to end things. If everything we did last night doesn’t matter to you, then look me in the eyes when you tell me you’re leaving.”
He might be hurting, but she was getting a good dose of mad going right now. How dare he let her go because he was afraid, because he was feeling guilt, or whatever the hell excuse he was going to use.
Slowly, Zach turned. She almost felt bad for the tired look on his face, but she refused to let him go down this path again.
“Everything we did matters, Soph.” He started to reach a hand out, but shoved both into his pockets. “I’m not saying this meant nothing. What we did meant everything and I do love you. But knowing I literally stole everything from you, your goals for the future, your family, I can’t be here.”
Sophie listened to his words, his excuses, and something hit her she hadn’t thought of before. “Do you not want to be with me because I can’t have children? I guess I hadn’t thought you would want your own—”
Zach reached for her, gripping her arms. “No. Never once even think that. I would never bring a child into this world. Not with my genes.”
Sophie waited for him to elaborate. He’d mentioned his past a few times over the years, but now she wanted
to know more.
“Your life with the Monroes changed the man you are,” she told him. “Whatever was passed to you biologically shouldn’t have you this afraid.”
Zach snorted. “I’m not afraid. I’m not running from anything and I’m not having this discussion.”
He started to step around her, but Sophie moved to block him. “What did they do to you?” She laid her hand over his heart. “What was so bad that you won’t talk about it, that you won’t even let me in?”
Zach closed his eyes, sighed, and turned away from her. “My father had women. It was like a revolving door at our apartment. When my mother was home, she was too strung out to care or she had her own share of men.”
Sophie didn’t know if she was more shocked at the story itself or that he was finally telling her what happened.
“My dad finally disappeared one day. I assume he went off with one of his women.” Zach raked his hand over the back of his neck and turned to face her. “For the next two years my mom would come and go, mentally and physically. We moved around all over. Her drug habit had us getting kicked out of every place we stayed. Sometimes we’d sleep in the car, sometimes she’d prostitute herself out for a place to stay.”
Sophie swallowed, but kept her eyes locked on his. Reliving this part of his life wasn’t easy, and she couldn’t even fathom what his life had been like before the Monroes rescued him.
“More than once my mom offered me up. She didn’t try until I was a teen, and by then I could fight. I was never . . .” Zach glanced away as if he couldn’t look at her. “I wasn’t sexually assaulted, but there were times I worried I wouldn’t be able to fight everyone. Luckily I was old enough and fast enough to run away. I’d be gone a few hours, sometimes a whole day before I went back. I didn’t know where else to go except the last place my mom was. By then they’d forgotten about me because they were high again.”
Just the thought of a young boy worried about such evil things hurt Sophie’s heart. “How did you finally get away?”
“A cop drove by our car one day. I was sleeping in the backseat. Mom had parked illegally and that’s what drew his attention. I’d been in the car for two days without her. I told the officer I hadn’t seen her and he took me. I went into the system and hit the parent lottery. You know the rest.”
The way he summed everything up like he was relaying the plot of a bad movie proved just how detached he was from that life, from that young boy. He’d left that nightmare behind and he’d overcome all the ugly filth he’d endured.
“You’re not your parents, Zach.” Sophie wrapped her arms around herself and tipped her head back as she stepped closer. “We both have things to overcome. You can let your past define you or you can choose to take control of your life. If you’re so hell-bent on finding reasons to push me away, then go. Walk out that door, because you know what? Even with everything you just told me, and I believe you really condensed it, I still love you. Nothing has changed on my end. You’re still Zach, the man I’ve loved for years despite all the reasons I shouldn’t.”