His eyes seemed to darken. “Would that be such a crime?”
She honestly didn’t know. “I don’t want to lose you.”
He frowned. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“I know. But if I stay here, I’ll need a friend. Sheilagh’s a mom and wife now. She’s busy. And Jo’s going back to Philly after the wedding.”
“I’ll always be your friend, Julie.”
“Promise?”
He nodded. “Promise.”
She dragged her feet off his lap and stood.
“Where are you going?”
“Inside.”
“And what happens inside?”
She pulled open the door and glanced back at him. “Whatever you want.”
Chapter 10
Julie crossed the threshold, but the door didn’t slam, as Pat caught it behind her. “Where did you hide the condoms?”
“We’ll get to that.”
“But I want to make sure we—”
He silenced her with a deep, soul rattling kiss and backed her to the bed, lowering her onto the tartan coverlet. “I’ll always protect you, Julie. Don’t worry about the technicalities. I got this.” He straddled her hips and sat up, giving the flannel shirt a tug under her breasts where she’d knotted it. “Can I take this off?”
Staring up at Pat, she found him so attractive, she again wondered why she never let herself see him in such a light before. Maybe she never thought this could be possible. But here they were and it felt so…easy to give in.
Her arms opened and fell to the side. “You can take it all off. I told you. You can have everything you want.”
“Does that offer have an expiration date?”
She swallowed, wishing she could offer him a guarantee. “Let’s just live in the present, Patrick. That’s as far as I can think right now.”
“Then I better make it count.” He tugged the shirt and it loosened. Button after button, he slowly parted the fabric, exposing her bare breasts. Scooting low, he caressed her flesh and kissed her nipples into hard peaks.
When he touched her, he did so with such attention to detail, she grew self-conscious like she might be taking too long. Guiding his hand lower, he twisted out of her grip and caught her wrist, pressing it into the bedding.
“Patience.”
His body grew hard, and as he kissed and touched her, she became hot with need. Maybe he’d want her to touch him.
“Do you want…my mouth.”
He paused and glanced down at her. “I want all of you.”
She nodded, still unsure if he would want other things. Insecurity knifed through her. Lance had a way of doing things. He’d come home after a stressful day and tell her he didn’t need her to talk, he needed her to use her mouth in other ways.
“Hey.” Pat caught her chin, and her vision focused. “What just happened?”
Her cheeks burned but not in a good way. Tears stung the backs of her eyes. She hated that Lance was all she knew. She turned away, pulling her chin from his grip.
“Julie, talk to me. Is there something you want?”
“No,” she all but choked on the word. Lance never asked what she wanted, when it came to this. The thought of trying to verbalize her own desires left her uneasy and nervous.
“Then what?”
Her limited experience, after being with one person for so long, was too humiliating to explain. She could see him using her all those times, treating her like an empty vessel. If she ever voiced the slightest complaint, he’d say she was cold and remind her that other women liked having sex.
It wasn’t that she didn’t like it. It just felt one-sided a lot of times. He showed her videos of other women doing the things he wanted.
“See, they like it,” he’d say, and she’d think to herself that those women were actors who got paid to act like they enjoyed anything.
“Maybe just not as rough,” she suggested one time, and he went on a rant about rough being code for passion.
“Have a little fun for once,” Lance had said to that, and she reminded him it wasn’t fun if she felt like she couldn’t breathe. But he didn’t acknowledge her discomfort as anything more than an obstacle she needed to work through.
She’d gotten better at it over time, more tolerant. But she never looked forward to it. Sometimes he’d ask for it as soon as he walked through the door, which was fine, because she’d do it and it would be over.
He never forced her, but on the days she made excuses, he fell into an ominous mood that seemed to suck the air out of the house. She realized, despite all the things she’d done to please him, he still remained disappointed with her lack of enthusiasm on most days.
What if Pat was also disappointed?
Pat rolled off of her and closed her shirt. “Julie, you have to talk to me. I’m getting mixed signals here, and I don’t know what happened.”
Her body had gone cold, and any sign of arousal had disappeared the moment thoughts of Lance intruded in her mind. She covered her eyes with her hand. “I think… I’m more messed up than I realized.”