The other children all thought I acted "better than them," and I never made any attempt to deny this. On the contrary. I made my mother keep buying me expensive clothes and taking me to school in her pricey foreign car.
But that day in the playground, I realized that I was alone, and might remain alone for the rest of my life. Even though I was only eight years old, it seemed like it was already too late to change and to prove to the other children that I was just like them.
Now, summer.
I was at secondary school, and the boys were always hitting on me, no matter how hard I tried to fend them off. The other girls were green with envy, but pretended not to be and were always hanging around and cozying up to me, hoping to pick up any rejects.
And I rejected almost everyone, because I knew that if anyone ever managed to enter my world, they would find nothing of interest. It was best to maintain an air of mystery with a hint of unattainable pleasures.
On my way home, I noticed a few mushrooms that had sprung up after the rain. They were perfect and intact because everyone knew they were poisonous. For a fraction of a second, I considered eating them. I wasn't feeling particularly sad or particularly happy; I just wanted to get my parents' attention.
I didn't eat the mushrooms.
Now it's the first day of autumn, the loveliest season of the year. Soon the leaves will change color and each tree will be different from all the others. On the way to the car park, I decide to take a slightly different route.
I stop in front of the school where I studied. The tile wall is still there. Nothing has changed, except for the fact that I'm no longer alone. In my mind are two men; one will never be mine, but I'll have dinner tonight with the other one in some special, carefully chosen spot.
A bird flies across the sky, playing with the wind. It flies back and forth, rises and falls, its movements obeying some logic I cannot understand. Perhaps the only logic is that of having fun.
I am not a bird. I can't spend my life playing like many of our friends, who have less money but who seem to spend their whole lives traveling or going to restaurants. I've tried to be like that, but I can't. Thanks to my husband's influence, I got the job I have now. I work, I fill my time, I feel useful and able to justify my existence. One day, my children will be proud of their mother, and my childhood friends will be more frustrated than ever, because I have managed to build something tangible while they have devoted themselves to looking after the house, the children, and their husband.
Perhaps they don't have this need to impress other people. I do, and I can't reject it, because it's been a good influence on my life, driving me on. As long as I don't take any unnecessary risks, of course. As long as I manage to preserve my world exactly as it is today.
As soon as I get to the office, I search through the government's digital archives. It takes me less than a minute to find Jacob Konig's address, as well as information about how much he earns, where he studied, the name of his wife, and where she works.
MY HUSBAND has chosen a restaurant halfway between my office and our house. We've been there before. I like the food, the wine, and the atmosphere, but I always feel that we eat better at home. I dine out
only when my social life requires it, and, whenever I can, I avoid it. I love cooking. I love being with my family, feeling that I'm both protector and protected.
One of the tasks not on my to-do list this morning was "drive past Jacob Konig's house." I managed to resist the impulse. I have enough imaginary problems without adding the real problem of unrequited love. The feelings I had are long over. It won't happen again. We can now proceed into a future of peace, hope, and prosperity.
"They say the owner has changed and the food isn't quite as good," says my husband.
It doesn't matter. Restaurant food is always the same: too much butter, ostentatious presentation, and--because we live in one of the most expensive cities in the world--an exorbitant price for something that really isn't worth it.
But eating out is a ritual. We are greeted by the headwaiter, who leads us to our usual table even though we haven't been here for some time. He asks if we want the same wine (of course we do) and hands us the menu. I read it from beginning to end and choose the same thing as always. My husband opts for his traditional choice, roast lamb with lentils. The waiter comes to tell us about today's chef's specials: we listen politely, grunt appreciatively, then order.
The first glass of wine doesn't need to be tasted and meticulously analyzed because we've been married for ten years. It goes down very quickly, among talk of work and complaints about the man who was supposed to come and fix the central heating but never turned up.
"And how are you getting on with that article about next Sunday's elections?" my husband asks.
I've been commissioned to write about a question I find particularly interesting: Does the electorate have a right to scrutinize a politician's private life? It's a response to the news that a deputy is being blackmailed by Nigerians. Most of the people I interviewed said they don't care. It's not like it is in the United States, they say, and we're proud of that.
We talk about other recent news items. The increase in the number of voters at the last election for the Council of States. The drivers working for Geneva's public transport company, TPG, who are tired but happy with their work. A woman who was run over in a crosswalk. The train that broke down and blocked the line for more than two hours. And other such pointless topics.
I pour myself another glass of wine, without waiting for the appetizer and without asking my husband what his day was like. He listens politely to everything I've just said. He must be wondering what we're doing here.
"You seem happier today," he says after the waiter has brought our main course, and after I realize I've been talking nonstop for twenty minutes. "Has something special happened to cheer you up?"
If he'd asked that same question on the day I went to Parc des Eaux-Vives, I would have blushed and immediately come out with the string of excuses I'd saved up. But today has been another normal, tedious day despite my attempts to convince myself that I'm very important to the world.
"What was it you wanted to talk to me about?"
I take a sip from my third glass of wine and prepare to make a full confession. The waiter arrives and stops me just as I'm about to leap into the abyss. We exchange a few more meaningless words, wasting precious minutes of my life on pointless niceties.
My husband orders another bottle of wine. The waiter wishes us "bon appetit" and goes off to fetch the new bottle. Then I begin.
You'll say that I need to see a doctor, but I don't. I cope perfectly well with my work at home and in the office, but for some months now I've been feeling sad.