From paradise to clusterfuck in two-point-two seconds.
As Seth led Heavenly away from the shit show and into Hammer’s study, he shut the door and tried to put a lid on his worries. He’d left her once for a misunderstanding. He wasn’t about to make the same mistake twice. But damn if her crushing guilt about Beck seeing their kiss wasn’t like a knife to the chest.
She sat on the far edge of the sofa, head bowed, hands folded in her lap. He knew her laugh, her smile, her smell, her kiss. But he had no idea what she was thinking right now and that was fucking him up. “Heavenly, look at me.”
For a long moment, she hesitated, and he wondered if she’d comply or just bolt out the door. He waited, breath held, until her gaze finally climbed up to his. She bit her lip, looking so unsure and nervous it tore at him. Goddamn it. He’d been a cop. He’d learned how to interrogate early and from the best. Getting inside her head shouldn’t be much different—if he could keep his own in check.
“Good.” He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Talk to me, angel. Tell me how you feel.”
A furrow appeared between her brows. “Confused. Overwhelmed. I don’t…” She shook her head as tears pooled in her eyes again. “I don’t know how to answer you.”
“You don’t know how you feel?”
She shook her head. “I’m just not sure how to explain. I’ve never had anyone to talk to about my feelings. Sorry if I’m not doing it right. I’m learning as I go.”
“Never?” No parents? No giggling girlfriends? He already knew she’d never had a boyfriend, which still shocked the hell out of him. She lived in a new city and hadn’t made many friends…
Her words hit him with a TKO of reality. He’d never been involved with a woman who had so little experience, not only in bed but in life. Emotionally, Heavenly wasn’t a woman yet. She didn’t know how to please—or even understand—herself, much less a man. She knew nothing about the subtleties of relationships or communication. On some level, he’d understood that, but tonight… Huge wake-up call. He didn’t need to simply calm her now; he needed to understand her. Coax her into opening up. If he didn’t do that, if he didn’t take control and assure her he was committed to whatever they could have, it might be over—not because she didn’t want it. Because she had no idea how to work with him to make that a reality.
“No,” she breathed. “So when you want me to tell you how I feel, I don’t know if you want to hear how the kiss affected me…or all the stuff after. Do you need to hear how I felt when you touched me or should I explain why I’m embarrassed? I really don’t get what you want.”
“Let’s separate what happened outside into two categories. We’ll work backward. You’re embarrassed. Because a few people saw me kiss you? Or simply because Beck saw?”
That had her looking down again. “Mostly because Beck saw. Pike is annoying—”
“I’ll deal with him.”
“But I never want to hurt anyone, especially someone who’s been as wonderful to me as Beck. I also don’t want you to think I regret kissing you. I wish the time and place had been different.” Surprisingly, she lifted her chin and locked stares with him. “But you gave me a first kiss that surpassed anything I’d imagined.”
He cupped her crown and tangled his fingers in her hair, tugging just enough to ensure she kept eye contact. “Did Beck’s reassurance make you feel better?”
“Somewhat.” She sighed. “I know that can’t have been easy for him. I wish I’d known something better to say.”
Beck had looked as if he’d rather chew glass than swallow down his own jealousy so soon after watching someone else kiss the hell out of Heavenly. But he actually respected the doctor for putting her well-being above his own. In Beck’s shoes, he would have tried to do the same.
“It’s entirely possible I’ll have to see him kiss you someday. Will I like it? No. But we’re big boys. We’ll deal with our feelings. They aren’t your responsibility. Don’t guilt yourself over them.”
As much as it sucked, he’d spoken the truth. Until she made up her mind, he and Beck would simply have to deal. But her reaction to the doctor made it blatantly clear she carried a torch for him. The kiss proved to Seth that she definitely had feelings for him, too. Where the fuck did that leave them?
What would it take for her to finally make a choice?
“So you understand Beck will handle his own feelings?”
She nodded.
“You understand River’s opinion doesn’t matter? And Pike can pound sand?”
A little smile crept across her face. “I hope he does.”