“That you tried to stop it and you couldn’t. What else could you have done? You didn’t know—”
“I should have! There must have been signs, clues to what she intended—and yet I saw nothing!”
“Maybe there was nothing to see. Maybe she was careful—”
“Maybe I was a blind fool!” He got up and poured more whiskey. “I should have realized what was going on, should have noticed how giddy she suddenly was, how happy . . . but I put it down to the forthcoming wedding. Women like weddings, all the . . . the decorations and the gowns and the . . . And I was busy searching for a home for us. I’d lived in bachelor quarters until then, but they wouldn’t do for her, and—”
He broke off and went back to the sofa. He took the whiskey bottle along. I really couldn’t blame him.
“That night . . . I should have been able to shut things down before they progressed that far. But I couldn’t, because I’d refused to mate with demons, had restricted myself to humans, and therefore knew little about the process. I knew what was happening, but not how to stop it. And obviously, neither did she. I’d kept my lofty principles, thwarted my father’s wishes, and in doing so, left myself ignorant in the one area that mattered. And he knew that. Knew he had the perfect way to punish me for daring to tell him no—”
“Which is my point,” I said, leaning forward, because I couldn’t stay quiet any longer. “Rosier set you up. If you want to blame someone, blame him!”
“I do! But he wasn’t there. He didn’t drain her, he didn’t steal her life away, didn’t feel her crumble in his arms like—”
He cut off, breathing hard, and put his head in his hands. I went over and sat beside him, not hugging him because those moments in the shower had been an aberration, and I somehow knew he wouldn’t appreciate it now. Maybe because of the nervous energy that was thrumming through him, like a grounded lightning rod. I could feel it, just sitting there, an electric charge jumping under his skin.
I didn’t know what to say to Pritkin. When you hated and blamed yourself for something for years, it became truth, your truth, whether it actually was or not. And technically, we were in the same boat. What had happened to Eugenie wasn’t my fault, at least in the sense that I couldn’t have prevented it.
And that was exact
ly no fucking comfort at all.
After a while, I pulled my feet up and grabbed the whiskey, drinking straight from the bottle. My stomach wasn’t too happy about it, but my stomach could go to hell.
“The worst part,” he finally said, his voice hoarse, “was that I enjoyed it. Emotionally, mentally, I was horrified. But physically . . . it was the same as tonight. When I woke in that car, it was to terrible pain, but also to indescribable pleasure. You held nothing back, your power was right there, and I . . . I could have . . .”
“But you didn’t. You didn’t drain me.”
“I came damn close!”
I shook my head. “No, you didn’t. You took a lot, but I know drained, okay? I’ve fed ghosts, vampires and now a half demon—twice. And both times—”
“I was conscious last time!” he said savagely. “I kept control for nearly the entire process, and you had a place to run when I lost it. None of that was true tonight!” Green eyes blazed into mine. “Do you understand that? Do you realize the risk you ran? You were trapped and there was no one to help you and—”
“And nothing happened.” I didn’t even bother to get annoyed at his tone; yelling at me for saving his life was typical of the man. “Besides, there was someone to help me.”
He snorted. “Caleb? Do you have any idea how inadvisable it is to disturb a demon when it is feeding? And I am more powerful than most because of who sired me. If he’d interfered, the only damage would have been to him!”
“I wasn’t talking about Caleb,” I said evenly.
“You couldn’t access your power. You couldn’t have shifted—”
“Damn it! I’m not talking about me, either. And if you say Rosier, I swear I’ll hit you.”
“There was no one else there.”
I rolled my eyes. Maybe I’d hit him anyway. It was starting to look like the only viable option.
“There was you. I knew I would be okay because I was with you. I knew you wouldn’t—”
“Then you’re a fool,” he rasped. “For one moment, I didn’t know where I was, who you were—I didn’t know anything, but how good pulling on all that power felt. And a moment is all it takes!”
“But you didn’t do it,” I repeated, because he didn’t seem to get that. Which was odd, because for me, it was kind of the main point here.
“But I could have! I felt it, the hunger, the burning, the need.” His fists clenched. “I didn’t want to stop—”
“But you did. I remember when you pulled back. You’d have stopped it right then, as soon as you figured out what was happening, if your father hadn’t laid that damn spell.”