Fine. Then he could freeze.
Unless… “Have you found—”
“No. We know who did it. There was a witch from the New York coven who had a grudge against Claudia. And then three fey, one of which was Helen. One is dead. The other we can
’t find. We have to assume she’s wherever Tessa is. And since there’s no way I can coerce Helen to tell me where she put Tessa, we’re at an impasse. But I have confirmation that she’s alive. Helen spilled that much to a fey that paid their bargain to me with that bit of information.”
“Where—”
“I don’t know. Helen wouldn’t tell them. I’ve done my best. But I know for a fact that she is unharmed somewhere on this earth.”
Then that didn’t help me. Not really. I was relieved to know that she was alive, but with no way to find her, I was just as lost and alone as I had been five minutes ago. “I wish that were enough. I wish I didn’t feel my wolf slipping away. I’m fading, and I can’t seem to—”
“I had a wife.” Van’s words stopped my own. “A family.”
Had. Past tense. I looked at him, curious enough to want to know more, but I also wasn’t sure where he was going with this. He had to be telling me for a reason—probably to tell me to keep going—but I wasn’t sure I had the patience to listen to any kind of emotional, motivational speech. Especially not one about how I should move on with my life. Forget Tessa. Start living again.
Fuck that. Fuck forgetting her. That wasn’t happening.
He was staring off at the horizon. It was beautiful—the clouds below us were light and fluffy and colored with the oranges, pinks, and golds of the faded sun. The fading sun was behind us, giving the illusion of some heat.
“Unlike you, I have no hope for my wife,” Van said after a while. “I held her body as she bled out, until her eyes were glassy with death. And you might think that it was easier than what you’re going through right now. But it’s not. It’s really not.”
“I’m sorry.” I couldn’t imagine anything harder than what I was already going through, but that—that—had to be harder. I’d glimpsed a bit of it when I pulled Tessa’s body from the water on our honeymoon. She’d been under a magical attack and almost drowned. Almost, but didn’t.
I don’t know what I’d do if I held Tessa’s lifeless body. If I watched her die.
No. I knew what I would do.
I would die.
“It’s been more than a thousand years, and I’m still not over the loss. I don’t think I ever will be. But you have hope.” He moved so fast, I didn’t see it. Suddenly he was squatting in front of me, with his hands gripping my shoulders. “You’re focusing on the fact that she’s gone, but not that she’s still out there. She is still out there. Do you think she’d be happy with what you’re doing to yourself? You’re thin. Weak. Fading. You couldn’t take anyone in a fight now.”
I shoved him away. I should’ve been able to move him, but I couldn’t. And I didn’t care. “There’s no one to fight, Van. No one to kill. Nothing I’ve tried works, and I—”
“There will be. There will be. You need faith.” He stood and held out a hand to me.
I stared at it for a second. If I took his hand, in an instant, Van could take me anywhere in the world.
I shook my head. I wasn’t ready to go anywhere.
“I might not have a family left, but I’ve built one.” Van dropped his hand to his side. “With Cosette. And now, with all of you. Family is strong for each other. So, this is me being strong for you. Take my hand. Leave with me. Trust that we’re all looking and that there are only so many people on this earth. We will find wherever Helen stashed your mate. And when we do…” He paused. “We will fight together.”
That sounded nice, but there was just one problem with it. “How will we find her? We haven’t—”
“I don’t know, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned in all my years, it’s that the impossible can happen. But you can’t do this.” He knelt in front of me again. “You need to live and be strong so that when we do find her, you’re there. Because we know for a fact that if you die, so will she. And her death will be your fault.”
His last two words were a dagger ripping me apart. I didn’t want that. I couldn’t…but what if it was a lie? “I’ve been thinking a lot about her, and maybe we’re not True Mates. What if she’s—”
“You are. You’re her True Mate. Everyone agreed that—”
“No one knows my bonds like I do—did. Maybe it was just a strong connection. Maybe it was her magic that made everyone think that. I’m just…I’m not sure that I was ever good for her.”
“Now, that’s something interesting.” Van’s voice was softer than the falling snow. “Keep going.”
“I never thought that I deserved her.” I’d relived our time together over and over again, trying to figure out what had gone wrong. The more I thought about it, the worse I felt about what I’d done. “I took away her choice. I bit her. And by doing that, I made her life worse. Dangerous. I put her in the position of being kidnapped, and I—”
“Right. Except I’ve spent time with her brother now. He’s fine, by the way. Worried about you, but he’s looking for his sister with us. His control is getting much better. And he’s told me a lot about Tessa. A lot.”