I turn my phone off after making sure there are no traces of that video. Don’t want Kathryn accidentally seeing it, after all.
This doesn’t mean I run straight out and go to her. Far from it. I remain sequestered in the bathroom, thinking over what I saw. It’s one thing to know that your girlfriend can be a majestic Domme. It’s quite another to think about what this means for you.
One of the reasons Kathryn is so hung up about getting married – and keep in mind I’m not even thinking about marriage right now – is that she thinks being with me is some kind of sacrifice. Whether she admits it or not, I can see it in her eyes. She’s scared of losing the biggest parts of herself. Becoming a Domme was a way she coped with the pressures of the world and her sex. I know better than anyone that she is also submissive and gets a lot of pleasure and joy out of our Dom/sub scenes. Last night said it all. For a woman who loves to feel worshipped, she has no problem worshipping the man she loves behind closed doors.
Kathryn is all about egalitarian relationships. She’s made that so clear I could recite her spiel to you right now. How can I deny it? Part of the reason I love and admire her so much is because she’s ridiculously strong inside and out. She’s the kind of woman I would gravitate toward if I were a submissive male.
I’m not. Aside from a few trial runs with Kathryn, I’ve never had an urge to submit to anyone. Those few times we did dabble? I knew she was holding back. I knew she was going easy on me, not wanting to freak me out and send me screaming.
Have I been making her resentful?
Admit it, Ian. You’re a coward. You’re afraid of giving your girlfriend all the happiness she deserves. For what reason? Your pride? Your precious male ego that makes women laugh? Haha, he can’t even stand the thought of a woman bossing him around for an hour! I’ve been so conditioned to only be alpha that I can’t imagine a world where I am anything but. How natural is it, really? How many of us Doms are only Doms because we think that’s the one real option we have? Look at Martin. He’s as beta as they get – when he’s not being a passive aggressive dick, anyway – and he’s still successful. How many submissive businessmen out there prove that you don’t have to be an alpha douche 24/7 to get your way?
I return to the bedroom. Kathryn is awake, albeit still lying down. While she’s turned away from me, I gaze upon her, in awe that this gorgeous woman is my girlfriend. I’m also in awe that this was the woman in that video. She looks so docile now.
The bed sinks beneath my weight. I move up next to her, blowing hot air against her skin and nipping her ear. She shudders.
“I’m sorry about earlier,” I say. “Shall we go out and enjoy the city?”
Kathryn rolls over, one hand touching my chest. When she kisses me, I know we’re not going out anytime soon.
We make love with no expectations between us. None outside of love and tenderness, anyway.
Chapter 11
IAN
By early evening we’ve seen most of the Louvre. Screw our plans for tomorrow. We moved them up to this afternoon.
We leave before closing, talking about the works we saw while walking hand-in-hand down the sidewalk. We’re slow. There’s no hurry to get to dinner or back to the hotel room. We took care of any sexual urgency we felt hours ago.
There is no talk about the paps or what our families are saying back home. I trust that this will blow over by the time we go back to America. My publicist called me an hour ago to say he’s submitted my response and that it should be posted on The Daily Social tonight when they update their blog.
That doesn’t mean the tension still doesn’t exist between us. Maybe Kathryn doesn’t realize she’s broadcasting such tension, but I can feel it. Because I’m more in tune with what’s going on with her? Maybe.
Since seeing that video, I’ve been paying more attention to Kathryn’s body language. It started in the Louvre, while staring at the Mona Lisa. Kathryn slipped her arm around mine, but did not lean her head in. She tugged at me, insistent, wanting to move on before a crowd of tourists behind us could explode in anticipation. We had both seen the Mona Lisa plenty of times.
Tug. Pull. Guide. Lead. I’m not talking about kinky sex here. I’m talking about Kathryn naturally taking the lead when I’m not making any effort to do so.
Most men probably wouldn’t think anything of it. Sometimes women are in a hurry to get somewhere. Sometimes they want to throw their weight around like they do. This especially happens when you’re in a comfortable relationship like we are. How many times has this happened and I never noticed? Is it natural for her? Is she just being a person? Or is this something she’s not even aware of?