“I don’t mind,” she said in a low voice. “People are going to think whatever they want, but it doesn’t matter to me. I don’t care.” She wouldn’t look at me, and her face was a little red, but her voice was determined. Cara raised her chin and met my eyes.
“It doesn’t matter,” she said again, and I wasn’t sure if she was trying to convince me or herself. I wasn’t going to argue or press her about it. That was something she had to decide.
“Okay,” I said, but I guess I didn’t sound sure enough. She grabbed my left hand with her left and squeezed until the ring cut into my finger. A little drop of pain.
“I love you, Loren. Every part of you.” The tears were threatening to make their appearance again. I remembered when I came out to her. She’d sat there for a few seconds, gave me a hug, told me she loved me, and asked which female celebrities I thought were hot. And that was it. Ever since then she’d been on board with my life. No conditions. No “I love you even if you’re queer.” Just “I love you and you are queer and I love your queerness because it’s a part of you.”
“Thanks,” I said, my voice choked.
“Anytime you need a reminder, you let me know.” She put her arms out for a hug and I fell into her, so we ended up horizontal on the bed, laughing. I spit out some of her hair from my mouth and wiped my eyes.
“You’re the best. The best friendiancee a girl could ask for,” I said.
“Ditto.”
Nine
My mom called me back a day later when she’d finally gotten in touch with the financial planner who was in charge of disbursing the inheritance. All I needed was a certified copy of the marriage certificate and then there would either be a check with my name on it sent, or a wire transfer to my bank account. I also needed to fill out some paperwork that he was sending me and get my signature notarized. It was all so official and adult and it started hitting me what this money was going to mean.
It was no small amount. For someone who had never grown up with a whole lot, it was probably a lot more than for someone else who had. I knew that I shouldn’t blow it. I wasn’t going to be like those people who won the lottery and burned through the money in a year and ended up bankrupt. I wouldn’t let that be me.
This money was going to change my life, change Cara’s life too. I knew she wasn’t going to want me to give her more than her tuition, but I was definitely plotting how I could give her some extra so that she wouldn’t have to stress so much about paying for everything else. I also wasn’t going to let her pay me back, but she didn’t know that yet.
Oh, and I was going to buy her that bag. That was probably the first thing I was going to do. For myself, I considered getting a better apartment, but I wanted to take care of the immediate needs like my car and groceries and this month’s rent. I could always find a new apartment later. I needed to stop the immediate hemorrhaging and then deal with the rest of the wounds.
I just wanted to be stable for a while. Just go a few months paying my bills on time and not stressing too much if I decided to order sushi. Big dreams, I had.
Cara had set an appointment to go look at the dress she wanted and I was wondering when we were actually going to do the damn thing because days were going by and I just wanted to have this done with. Still, I didn’t want to push her, because I didn’t want her to run for the hills. Or to ruin our friendship. That absolutely could not happen. The money meant nothing compared to losing her. I couldn’t begin to imagine my life without her. I’d give her every single cent to stop that from happening.
The day before Cara’s appointment, I was online scrolling through potential jobs when Lisa knocked on my door. She only did that if there was an emergency, or she needed the rent check, which wasn’t due for a couple of weeks, so I had no idea what it was. My heart started to pound.
I got up and opened the door, but I couldn’t tell what was up from her expression. Lisa was one of those people who always looked a little grim. I didn’t think I’d ever seen her smile.
“Hey, what’s up?” I asked, pretending to be calm and casual. Totally cool. Not freaking out at all.