“In that case stop making me feel like a deluded drama queen.”
Laughing, he tutted. “Don’t feel that way.”
She sighed.
“I love how strong you are,” he continued, “but as tough as you are, I need to know you need a man sometimes, and I want that man to be me, always.”
Shocked to the core, unnerved by what he was saying, her thoughts were in turmoil. It sounded like a confession, and it turned her inside out. Could she trust him though? Love? Commitment? Out of nowhere? After she’d nursed a broken heart for three years with not a word? She could scarcely begin to even think it through, because every word he said unlocked the pain she’d held locked in her heart for so long. Pain that came from losing him when he’d disappeared on her.
She pulled free.
“I love you, Rowan,” he repeated, “and I wanted you to be naked while I said it, because I don’t want a smartarse response, I want to know what you really feel.”
She ached to hide in his arms again, even while it echoed through her mind, what he’d said about needing her vulnerable. He’d never described her that way before. Was it true? She shook her head. “No, Sean. Don’t do this, please.”
Buckling, she covered her face with her hands, her heart thumping against the wall of her chest. He’d told her he loved her before. It meant nothing then. That’s what she’d learnt from his departure. Why was he doing it again? Why did he have to do it like this, making it blatant and hard to deny, when it was so hard to fight back?
Her chest felt as if it would fracture from the weight of this moment. It opened up too many deep emotions. The long nights spent wishing he’d taken her with him. The regret and heartache. She’d thought it long-buried, but how quickly it had surfaced at his command, raw and hurting.
She felt him moving. He gently drew her hands away from her face and she saw he was kneeling at her feet, staring into her eyes. The strong lines of his face were softened with concern. “I came straight to you because I had to tell you.”
“You said it before and you didn’t mean it.”
“I did mean it, but I had to make a choice. Perhaps we could’ve made it if you’d come with us, maybe I was stupid and I wasn’t ready for that extra responsibility.”
It was so true it was laughable, but Rowan didn’t feel like laughing, far from it. “So after all that you went out and did some stupid hacking that you simply had to take responsibility for. Do you know how angry I am with you for landing yourself in jail?”
She hadn’t meant to say that either. She didn’t want to appear as if she cared that much.
He sighed, and clasped her hands inside his. “I regret it every day of my life, but even more than that, I regret leaving your side.”
She trembled, wishing she could believe him.
“You’re cold.” He pulled her in against him.
The warmth of his body was too good and she tipped her head back and looked at him. “Why couldn’t you just fuck me, tonight, why did you have to say all those things?”
She wasn’t aware she was crying until he wiped the dampness from her cheek with his thumb. Raw and unsteady, she shook her head at him.
He held her jaw in one powerful hand, not allowing her to look away. “This is how well I know you, Rowan….I wanted to tell you I love you the moment I walked through the door, but I had to get you alone and undone for you to even begin to take me seriously.”
Despite her mixed emotions she laughed. “You mean it wasn’t just an elaborate plan to get laid?”
He shook his head, and cupped her cheek.
Her resistance was fast faltering, but she clung to it. “Three years has gone by, you don’t know me anymore.”
“Clearly you’re wrong, I do. I get you naked the truth comes out.” His gorgeous mouth moved into a sloping smile. “You did want to hear me out… didn’t you? You’d have flounced out by now if id said the wrong thing.”
“You always were so damn cocksure of yourself.”
He shrugged, then dropped his head and began to kiss her neck.
Naked in his embrace, she almost floated away into the happier memories and longing, he body hanging like a rag doll in his fierce embrace. He was always a strong guy, demanding, but this directness was new. It was unnerving, moving her deeply, and it was a huge turn on too. She trembled in his arms. Just when she wanted to deny him her body decided to betray her.
“You said you wanted me to fuck you to make it easier, you feel the same way, deep down.” He whispered the words on her throat, his hands roving over her naked back, while his lips led a trail of kisses to her collarbone. “If you didn’t care it wouldn’t upset you to listen, to acknowledge what I’m saying here…the way you reacted shows me you still care.”
No. He wanted her to say the L-word too. No way. “You just want me the way I was, a giddy girl mad for you. I’m not that girl anymore.”