“No, I don’t suppose you would.” She stared at him.
In the low light he appeared even more dreamlike to her and she put her hand to his chest to assure herself she wasn’t imagining him there.
“Come on, hear me out.”
There was such a serious look in his eyes a sense of misgiving stole over her. What was it he wanted to tell her, something about prison? Her tummy knotted. Part of her had been curious, but mostly it made her feel horribly anxious, thinking how rough it might have been for him. The idea that he suffered hurt her deeply, she couldn’t help that. It was because of what they’d once had, she figured, back in the day. That was all it was. Like caring about an old friend. Whatever he was going to say, she suddenly wasn’t sure she wanted to hear it. If he told her things, they’d grow closer, the way they used to be. That was a risk too far, she’d sink into it again, and Nan was right, always had been. He was a drifter.
But he was practically begging her with his eyes, and he had locked the door. She’d opened herself up to this, given him the green light and accepted her fate—if only for one night—in order to satisfy this raging need. There was no going back now. “Okay I’ll stay but just long enough to hear you out. At least let me get dressed in case... in case they call for me.”
“No. I want you naked and vulnerable for this.”
What the hell? Her jaw dropped. She stared up at him accusingly. “Some kind of weird kinky game, or what?”
He shook his head, laughing softly. “I need you to be honest with me, that’s all. It’s only when you’re naked you get real. It’s only then you let me see any vulnerability, the real you.”
It was such a strange thing to hear, but somehow she recognized herself in his words. It felt intimate and private, like he knew something about her she didn’t and that shook her, deeply. Instinctively she covered her chest with her arms. This was too intense, it made her feel raw and confused, and she didn’t think she could handle it. It was easier to spar with him. “I’ve always been honest with you.”
“Yes, but with a guard up, a smart mouth and an urge to fight. When you’re stripped bare you act in a different way.”
She gave an exaggerated sigh and rolled her eyes. “Remind me not to get naked again.”
“You’re just trying to prove me wrong. You know it’s true. I can’t explain things properly when you’re playing the smart-mouthed rebel.”
“I’m not playing the rebel, I have a rebellious heart.” It was her motto but it suddenly sounded silly. Thankfully, he didn’t laugh.
“Okay, you know what I mean.”
Maybe he was right about the naked thing, but it unnerved her and forced to reach for her armor.
“It’s about intimacy. When we get intimate, you show me the real Rowan.”
“Maybe I don’t want you to see it again.”
His mouth lifted “I love you, Rowan, I always have.”
Her heart hammered against her chest, swelling with a myriad of emotions. How she’d longed to hear him speak that way to her. Her heart thudded against the wall of her chest. Her eyes smarted. “If you loved me, you wouldn’t have left.”
“There were reasons.”
“You didn’t even say goodbye.”
“I didn’t want to. So I didn’t.”
He hadn’t wanted to? She wavered unsteadily.
“I meant to come back for you sooner than this, believe me.”
Grabbing for support, she dropped back down onto the bed. A dozen questions and objections fought for prominence in her mind. “You were the oldest. We figured it was your decision. To me that meant you decided to go and leave me, like…you’d had enough of me.”
“That’s not how it was.” He sat down next to her, leaving a space between them. “I was the oldest yes, but that meant taking responsibility. I made decisions for you guys all the time when we were all trying to play happy families for our parent’s sake.”
That irritated her. “Are you saying it was our fault you up and left?”
“Not at all, but there are real reasons. Growing up back in Dublin I took charge of Rory. After that it became second nature. I had to protect him when he was a little kid. My dad wasn’t around a lot after my mum died. He used to drink, a lot, and he’d often kick the shit out of us.”
Rowan had known that part of their history. It’d been obvious her mum softened him and made him more of a family man.
“When we tipped up here from Dublin, we weren’t cut out for what happened, and we suddenly found ourselves starring in the Brady bunch show.”