Hollie squeezed my hand and I just tried to focus on not crying. God forbid, I stained this beautiful silk couch.
“And for once,” I continued. “I don’t think he was my interim guy, you know?”
Hollie’s face was full of sorrow. “I do know. It was what I was afraid of.”
“Usually, I can put a spin on things. Look to the positive. But now I’m in that house, with him, and I’m so happy.” My voice cracked and I took a breath. “I’m really, properly happy, Hollie. And I’ve been pretending to myself that it can go on like this. That I can be happy without having to spin anything for once in my life. That the present would last forever. And now I try to think of the positives of not living with Gabriel and Bethany. I try to think about how I’ll be better off when I go travelling and start a new job but when I do, I’m utterly miserable. There doesn’t seem to be a bright side without Gabriel.”
“You’ll find one,” Hollie said. “It’s what you do. You’ll find out how to make this work and how to move forward. I promise you.” She shifted closer and pulled me in for a hug, putting her chin on my head like she used to when I was a child. “In the meantime, we’re going to get out of here and I’m taking you day drinking.”
“Don’t be crazy. We need to pick your flowers.”
At that moment, the blonde lady was back.
“I’ve decided,” Hollie said, standing. “I want that one but with wisteria and cream roses.”
“As you wish,” she said.
“Are you sure?” I asked. “Is that even an option?”
“She’s sure,” the blonde lady said and gestured for the door. Apparently, we were leaving.
“I need you to do something for me,” Hollie said as we stepped out onto the sidewalk. She turned me to face her and put her arms on my shoulders. “I know I’ve spent our entire lives telling you to think about your future but now, I need you to focus on this moment. I want you to enjoy each day you spend with Gabriel and Bethany. I want you to take each new experience in London and squeeze everything you can from it. Forget about what might happen with Penelope or what Gabriel could be thinking. Stop worrying about what’s going to change when you start a new job or travel. Just enjoy. Just live. Just be.”
I exhaled as I thought about what she’d said. “Did you inhale too many flower fumes or something?”
“Maybe,” she said. “But it’s good advice all the same. Don’t ruin today thinking about tomorrow.” She linked her arm into mine and leaned into the road to hail a cab.
“Where are we going?” I asked as a taxi pulled over.
“We’re two American girls in London looking for a place to day drink. And we have a black Amex. We’re off to the American Bar at the Savoy, of course.” She ducked and climbed in. “They tell me there’s a slice of bright side with every cocktail.”
Thank God for my sister. She was always there to pick me up when I fell. And sometimes, like now, just as I was about to.
Thirty-One
Gabriel
That feeling I got the first time I laid eyes on Autumn—like my lungs had malfunctioned or my heart might need a nudge to restart—resurfaced every time she walked into a room. Even after four months of living together.
“You look so pretty, Autumn,” Bethany said.
“Beautiful,” I added as Autumn twirled around, the ruffles on her very short dress lifting as she moved.
“You promise to be good going to bed tonight,” Autumn said. She bent and kissed Bethany goodnight.
“And when I wake up, pancakes?” she asked.
“Pancakes for sure,” I replied.
“But Autumn will make them with blueberries.”
“Yes, I’ll make them,” Autumn replied, shooting me a glance that said Your daughter understands your lack of skill in the kitchen.
I gave the sitter my number again and headed out, taking Autumn’s hand as I did.
“She didn’t seem to mind,” Autumn said as we climbed in the cab. “That we were going out together.”
“Why would Bethany mind? She loves you.”
“I just wondered if she thought it was weird. What did you say when you told her?”
“I just said that you and I were going out to dinner.” Autumn and I had been careful not to show any obvious affection for each other when we were both with Bethany. We hadn’t had a conversation about it—it had just been an unspoken agreement. We never slept in each other’s bed. We never kissed each other good morning.
It was time that changed.
I wanted to take Autumn out to dinner—not to her sister’s house but dinner, just the two of us. I didn’t want to fuck her on the kitchen table anymore. I wanted her bent over a bed or naked in the shower. I still had a daughter I didn’t want to confuse. But I also had Autumn, who I wanted to spend time with. I slid my hand up her bare leg. “You’re stunning.”