What comes out is not something he likes.
His frame gets angrier. His elbows dig even harder in his thighs.
I feel like a criminal, the way he’s watching me. Someone who’s committed a crime.
I don’t know where I get the courage from but I raise my chin and fist the sheet on my chest, nodding. “Yes.”
I swear I can hear the gnashing of his teeth. I can hear the grind. The angry rush of his blood.
“Since when?”
My heart should be racing right about now. I should be panicky. I should be trying to salvage this. But after the initial icy blast of shock, all I feel is relief.
He knows now.
It’s out there. My horrible secret, or at least one of them, is out of my system.
“Since forever,” I reply. “Probably since the first day I saw you.”
I watch the impact of my words on his body. A deep breath. Flaring nostrils. The tautness of his veins and clench of his muscles.
Before he can grill me some more, I ask, “How’d you know?”
“You’re not very good at hiding things.”
That’s when I realize that I might have said it out loud. The thought that made me climax and lulled me into sleep.
God, I’m stupid.
“Actually, I’m pretty good at hiding. It’s just you I can’t hide from.”
“And isn’t that the real fucking tragedy?”
My sinuses sting.
Yeah, this is a tragedy. It always was. Knowing that doesn’t make it easier to live through, though.
“What about the second day?” he asks, all calm-like.
But I know it’s all a lie. He’s seething inside, getting ready to blow up.
“Second day of what?”
“When I destroyed your notebook? Did you love me then, too?”
“I –”
“Or the third day, when I asked one of my friends to trip you on your way to class? Or the fourth? And the fifth? Did you love me through the years of humiliation and pranks I pulled on you? All the times I could’ve saved you with just one flick of a hand and I didn’t. How much did you love me then? What about when I ruined your prom, huh? You loved me that night when you came here to give me a piece of your mind? Was that love when you told me how much you hated me and how I made you worse every day? A worse version of yourself?”
I thought I could be unaffected through this. I could go out with dignity as he interrogates me and not cry once.
But I’m already spilling tears.
They’re streaming down my cheeks, silent but ever-flowing and Zach’s watching me without a twitch on his face.
“I… did.” I nod in reply. “I did love you through all of that. I didn’t know it back then, but I loved you. Every time you or your friends pulled something on me, it hurt me. It made me angry. I used to cry a lot. I used to plot revenge. And I thought it was because I hated you. But it was because I loved you and the guy I loved was incapable of loving me back. So yeah, I did love you through all of that. My hate for you was just a kind of love that was angry and lonely and bruised.”
It’s hard to look at him after confessing all these feelings inside of me. All the things that made me so confused all through the years. That made me feel agitated whenever he was around.
But somehow, I keep looking at him.
I keep watching him, but then I regret it because I see something on his features that I’ve never seen before. Never in my context, at least.
Disgust.
Zach’s disgusted by me.
“Jesus Christ.” He licks his lower lip as he shakes his head. “You get even more pathetic the longer I know you.”
I flinch.
I knew he’d say that but still I flinch.
“Do you know how pathetic it is to love someone who’s hurt you? Do you realize how weak it makes you? How stupid?” Zach goes on, staring at me like I’m a stranger, like he doesn’t even know me. “I admired you, Blue. I fucking respected you. I respected your hate for me. I admired that you wouldn’t let me walk all over you. I admired your strength.”
He plows his hand through his hair in agitation. “I don’t want your love. I don’t deserve your love, don’t you get that? Even though I haven’t been your bully in a long time, I was your nightmare once. What the fuck is the matter with you? What the fuck is wrong with you that you love me? How fucked up and weak do you have to be to fall in love with your bully?” He shakes his head once again. “You know what? I can’t even look at you. Just get out.”
Stunned, I don’t move.
I’m glued to my spot.
“Out,” Zach orders again.