“I’d see you around town, at church, at school. I’d see you laughing. I’d see how I made you blush. How you were dying to come closer to me but you couldn’t. It made me hate my parents again. It made me feel like that little boy who couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that his parents were never supposed to be parents to a child. They were never supposed to be that to each other. And now because of them I couldn’t love my girl the way I wanted.”
God, he’s breaking my heart right now. I can’t stop my tears. The salty water streams down my cheeks as I listen to the love of my life pouring his heart out.
“A lot of times I thought I should back off. I thought, if so many people are saying the same thing, maybe it’s right. Maybe my blood really is bad. Maybe I don’t deserve you. But whenever I thought of giving you up, I…” He rubs his chest. “I couldn’t breathe. It was like someone was crushing my heart. Like there was this weight inside my chest and I was dying. So I didn’t. I didn’t give you up. I don’t regret that, Pixie. I don’t regret loving you the way I do.”
“I don’t either,” I whisper, knowing to the depth of my soul, depth of my being that I’m telling the truth.
The muscle in his jaw tics but he doesn’t say anything for a while. I wish he would. I wish I knew about his struggles. I never wanted him to feel this way for his parents. I never wanted him to hate them. They were in love, and yes, it might be wrong and unnatural or whatever. But that’s not Abel’s fault. Why’s that so hard for people to understand?
He laughs bitterly. “When Ethan took me to the studio and I saw what it was, I thought he was fucking with me. The very thing your dad wanted me to go away for, it stood right in front of me. Like a temptation or something. Out of a million jobs in this city, I land the one that they condemned me for. It was like the universe was slapping me in the face. Telling me that I’m not good enough. I’m not normal enough for you. I thought it was God telling me that I should give you up. When the fuck would it end? Why don’t they leave me alone, I thought. All I want is my Pixie. Why does it have to be so hard?”
I grab his hand. The bruises on his face have faded but I never counted on the wounds inside. I never thought that if you hear something a hundred times, you start to believe it’s true. “Abel, honey —”
“I should’ve walked away. I should’ve said no. But fuck that. Fuck the world. Fuck being normal. Your parents, your entire town couldn’t keep me away from you and I won’t let God tear us apart either. They don’t get to judge me. They can hate me if they want but they don’t get to tell me what to do. So, I took it. I took the job because I can do whatever the fuck I want, as long as…”
“As long as what?”
“As long as you don’t hate me.” He swallows. “I know what I did was wrong. I should’ve told you from the get-go. I should’ve made you understand but I got scared. I thought you’d leave me. I thought you’d start believing what people had been telling you all along. And… I wouldn’t be able to take it. I’d been apart from you for so long, I wouldn’t be able to do it again. You chose me the night we ran away, you gave me the privilege of being with you forever and I wouldn’t be able to let you go. I’m not that strong.”
Even though my heart’s completely broken, smashed, I need to tell him this: “You can’t do that, Abel. You can’t take away my choice. You have to trust me, okay? Trust me that I’ll always choose you. You can’t lie to me. You can’t break my trust. You can’t. I can’t bear it. I don’t think I could cope if that happened. Promise me. Please.”
“I promise.”
I nod, wiping off my tears, and stare down at my cold coffee.
“I’m not ashamed of it,” he says in a defiant tone like a little boy who’s trying to stand up for himself. “The job, I mean. It’s a job. It’s unconventional but I’m not embarrassed.”
It clenches my heart. “I know.”
“And I’d… I’d never make you do anything you didn’t want to do. I’d never ask you to fuck me on camera.”
My breath hitches at his words. The fluttering, the shivers I’ve been trying to tamp down start up again. I press my thighs together. “Have you… Have you thought about it?”