“See, Livvy, you get me.”
And she did.
That was the most dangerous part of it all.
chapter
FIFTEEN
Liv and Finn had planned another night by the fire and a rock-skipping rematch. But on their way home, clouds had rolled in and rain had followed soon after. So instead of heading outside after dinner, they’d dug through the dusty DVD collection and had decided to watch The Wedding Singer. The main house had a screened-in porch with a TV, so they’d set themselves up out there, listening to the falling rain and laughing at Adam Sandler singing “Love Stinks.”
Finn had dutifully sat on the opposite side of the couch from her, but Liv hadn’t been able to stop herself from glancing at him throughout the movie. The easy way he draped his arm over the back of the couch and took up space. The deep, full sound of his laughter when a funny part came up. The way he kept peeking at her to see if she was laughing, too.
Today he’d kissed her, but more than that, she couldn’t shake the memory of him blanketing her when he thought shots were being fired. For all the years since the shooting, she’d resented the fact that he’d abandoned her that night. But today, when she’d been pinned under him, thinking they were under attack again, she’d felt utter and complete panic…for him.
The thought of him taking a bullet for her hadn’t comforted her. It had scared her to the core. She didn’t want him sacrificing himself on her behalf. And, she realized, she wouldn’t have wanted it back then either. She couldn’t imagine living her life, knowing he’d given up his for hers. But beyond that, it was his job now. The man spent his existence risking himself for the safety of others.
Knowing he could be taken from this earth at any time as part of his job had bone-deep fear going through her—and gave her yet another reason why she couldn’t let herself get attached to him. She couldn’t take that kind of loss. Not again.
But even knowing that, she couldn’t deny that what he’d said at the park was true. They could try to ignore the pull between them, but it wasn’t going to go away. Not only that, but being together and not acting on it was making it worse.
She should probably walk away now. Call this weekend a one-time thing and create some distance. Protect herself. That was the smart thing. That was what had kept her sane and stable the last few years—keeping distance from everyone and everything having to do with her past. But instead, this growing sense of restlessness tugged at her.
“You want a decaf?”
“Huh?” Finn asked, glancing her way.
She untucked her legs from beneath her and got up from the couch. “I’m craving coffee. You want any?”
He shrugged. “Yeah, sure. I can make it if you want.”
“No, I’ve got it.”
Liv went inside, the sounds of the movie fading behind her, and made her way into the kitchen. She ignored the coffeepot and dug through the things she’d bought at the store,
nerves making her hands shake a little. She found what she was looking for and popped them in the microwave. She didn’t let herself think, just went through the motions—one step, then the next—until she was back at the doorway that led to the porch.
She peered in. Finn’s gaze was on the TV, a hint of amusement on his face. The rain poured down behind him, pinging against the metal roof. He’d changed into black athletic pants and a Texas Longhorns T-shirt after dinner, looking like some high school fantasy of hers all grown up, making her mind drift down that what-if path. What if the shooting hadn’t happened? What if that kiss had never been interrupted? Would they have figured out how to be together after high school? Would they have been sneaking into each other’s dorm rooms in college? Would she have managed sober sex in college instead of creating the train-wreck version of herself? Or would they have parted ways anyway? Was the fantasy only enticing because she’d told herself they couldn’t have it?
She’d slept with so many guys since she’d known him. Guys whose names she couldn’t remember. Guys she hadn’t given a damn about. Guys who’d treated her like she was something to use up and toss out. She’d given them her body without a second thought. And here was Finn, a guy she cared about, a guy who cared about her, a guy who hadn’t touched a woman in two years but was keeping his hands to himself despite her slipups. A guy who’d protected her today without hesitation.
She couldn’t stop herself. The words came out.
“Are you doing this for me or for you?” she asked loud enough to be heard over the rain and TV.
Finn turned his head, brows knit. “What? The movie?”
She rubbed her lips together, heartbeat in her ears, heat creeping up her neck. “No. The ignore-the-lust thing. Is that for my benefit or yours?”
“The lu—” He gave her a look, strain around his eyes. “Uh, I’d say that’s obvious.”
She swallowed past the tightness in her throat. “So you’re trying to protect me.”
He grabbed the remote to lower the volume and then scrubbed a hand over his jaw, wary. “Liv, I told you—”
“That you have nothing to offer. That you’re leaving. That you don’t want to hurt me.” Her hand tightened around the doorjamb.
His mouth was a grim line. “Yeah.”