y the confession. When she’d known Finn in high school, he’d been the poster child of laid-back—if anything, purposely chill to piss off his high-strung father. So imagining him crushed by anxiety was hard to picture, especially seeing the man he’d become. A man who’d bust through a door and run toward danger. A cop. She glanced over at the nearby table and rolled her lips inward. Even the sight of the gun made her heart pick up speed. “But you’re a cop now. You have a gun.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t like things that can control me.” He followed her gaze. “Sorry, let me take care of that.”
In one smooth movement, Finn got up and went to the table. He picked up the gun, checked the safety, and then tucked it into the drawer and out of sight.
She swallowed past the tight feeling in her throat. “Meaning?”
He settled back onto the bed. “Meaning, one night I was on one of those middle-of-the-night runs after a panic attack. I usually stuck to a regular path, but that night, I was at a friend’s house. I ran without any set direction. I wasn’t paying attention, just trying to run as fast and hard as I could. I ended up on my knees, near passing out, in some random park. Some dude snuck up on me and put a gun to my head to rob me.” His jaw flexed.
“I completely froze. Even if I’d had the energy to defend myself, I was useless. And when he found out I didn’t have anything on me except my phone, he stole that and then beat the shit out of me with a piece of pipe.” He looked up, lip curled in derision. “I survived one of the deadliest school shootings in history, and there I was, bleeding on the sidewalk at the hands of some punk kid out for kicks.”
“Jesus.” She hugged the pillow tighter, picturing the scene, knowing she would’ve reacted the same way.
“But it flipped some switch in me. Instead of getting more scared, I got pissed. Not just about that night, but about it all.” He glanced up at her, those green eyes haunted but earnest. “I remember sitting in the hospital afterward, giving a statement to the police and thinking, Never again. Like fuck that guy and fuck that gun and fuck the assholes who put that panic in me in the first place. I was done.” He rubbed a hand over his scar in what looked like an absentminded gesture. “I signed up for a gun-safety course as soon as I healed so I could deal with the fear.”
Liv rubbed the chill bumps from her arms. “That must’ve been ridiculously hard.”
He gave a humorless laugh. “The first few weeks, all I could do was sit there and watch other people do target practice. Listen to the sounds. Let the panic come and force myself not to run. It sucked. But then I met this cop who offered to help me. She pushed me, and I started to get used to handling the gun and began to train.” He focused on a spot somewhere over her shoulder like he was seeing the memory play out on a screen. “She taught me how to switch off the emotion of it. It’s going to sound ridiculous, but it became like football used to be for me. One mission. No emotion attached to it. Get the ball into the end zone. But this time it was hit the target. It was the only thing that helped.”
“Jumping into the fire.”
“Yeah. But it was the best thing I could’ve done. Learning from Eileen, the officer I met, seeing how confident and dedicated she was, made me want to do the same thing. When I eventually went into the academy, I was ready. I had to go through simulations where people would attack me or come at me with a weapon over and over again, in a hundred different ways. It diluted the power of my fears because now I had the skills to protect myself and the people around me.”
She leaned back against the headboard, impressed and a little awed. “So no one is going to catch you off your game again.”
His lips kicked up at the corners, some of that old arrogance breaking through. “Let’s just say it’s probably not going to go well for them if they try.”
She laughed, his playful smirk helping some of her jittery feelings dissipate. “Now I see it. I couldn’t picture you with a badge, but there it is. Cocky Finn does law enforcement.”
“What? Afraid I couldn’t pull it off?” He lifted an eyebrow, his face stern. “Ma’am, can you please step out of the vehicle? Hands where I can see them.”
She bit her lip. Of course with his authoritative tone, her mind put him in a uniform and some aviators. She’d never had a particular fetish for men in uniform, especially after her own run-in with the police. But the thought of Finn wearing a uniform and manhandling her a bit had her reconsidering. She would definitely get out of the vehicle. Maybe even let him cuff her. And as inappropriate as the thought was, considering the circumstances, it was a welcome respite from her nightmare. She cleared her throat. “I think you pull it off just fine.”
His dimple appeared beneath the stubble. “You’re blushing, Arias.”
“I am not.” She tipped up her chin. “I’m just…still flushed from all the adrenaline.”
“Uh-huh. Or you’ve got a secret cop fetish.”
“Stop flirting.” She pointed a finger at him.
“Am I flirting?” he asked innocently.
“Yes. And that’s not allowed. You yourself said that kiss was a mistake. So don’t come prancing around here half dressed with your Batman abs and talking about where to put my hands. No one likes a tease, Dorsey.”
His grin turned roguish. “I said that kiss was a mistake, not a regret.”
“Finn.”
“And Batman abs?” He grabbed the lapels of the robe like he was going to open it and check. “These old things?”
She stretched out her leg and kicked his thigh. “Stop it. You’re terrible.”
He lifted his palms in surrender and laughed. “At least you’re smiling now.”
“Yeah, well, there’s that.”
Even after all the years that had passed, Finn still seemed able to get her mind off things. When her mom was going through chemo and everything was doom and gloom at home, Finn could somehow figure out ways not just to make her laugh, but to do so in a way that didn’t make her feel guilty for feeling a moment of happiness.