She met his gaze. “It is scary.”
“I know,” he said, reaching out and brushing a lock of hair from her face. “But you’re still here. Want to tell me why?”
She closed her eyes and rolled onto her back. The sting was almost welcome. “Isn’t that the question of the month? I thought I understood this whole thing. It’s role-playing, fun and games, a kinky thing to check off a list. But tonight . . .”
“Tonight?” he prodded gently.
She stared at the ceiling, trying to process everything that had happened. “Tonight felt real, Kade. This wasn’t like that night at The Ranch with the roles to play and the costumes. That was an exciting fantasy. But whatever you did to me tonight, put me in this place . . . like I really was a slave to you, an object. It morphed something in my mind.”
He shifted next to her, but didn’t say anything, giving her time to put her thoughts in order.
She turned to meet his patient gaze. “You make things I should be repulsed by seem appealing.”
He considered her. “And that scares you.”
A statement, not a question.
“Yes.” She sat up on her elbow. “Of course it does. If you had hauled me off the bed and slapped me for coming too soon, I probably would’ve let you and gotten more turned on because of it. You covered my head with your hand like I was some whore you didn’t care to look at, and I nearly came from it. You made me want the ugly parts. Why would I want that?”
His eyes went soft. “Baby . . .”
“I mean,” she continued, unable to stop talking now that the anxiety was bubbling up. “I spent a marriage with a man who treated me like I was less than, who had the ability to make me feel worthless with one well-placed insult. I don’t understand why I’d want to be bullied in bed. Shouldn’t I want a guy to worship me or something?”
The corner of his mouth lifted. “Maybe you do, but that worship looks different than what you thought. In my world, nothing is more precious to a dominant than his submissive. I would break someone’s fingers if they tried to lay a hand on you without permission. I did what I did with you because I enjoy it, yes, but I also did it because it’s what you needed and craved tonight.”
She lifted a brow. “I needed and craved to be beaten with a belt and sodomized?”
“You asked to be broken. Kissing you from head to foot and telling you how pretty you are wouldn’t have done that. You don’t trust people who are satisfied with the surface. You’ve catered to them but you don’t trust them. It’s one reason you’ve been so scared t
o put full trust in me. I needed to get to the woman beneath all those coats of gloss you’ve put on. And you needed to see what I’m like underneath it all, too.
“So take a good look and see, Tess. I’m a nice guy, but I’m also a sadist who gets off on seeing those welts on your back. I’m a guy who likes grabbing you by the hair and treating you more like property than a person in bed.”
She looked away and he grasped her chin, turning her gently to meet his eyes. “And you’re a nice girl who didn’t deserve to be treated like you were in your marriage. But you’re also the woman who gets turned on by being manhandled and likes a little dose of humiliation in bed. A woman who just came three times because I forced her down on the bed, fucked her in the ass, and demanded she obey. And there’s nothing to be ashamed of about it because it’s real. And maybe this friend or that neighbor would think it’s deviant or demented, but who the fuck cares? I love this side of us. Because where else in life do we get to indulge in the darkest parts of ourselves without fear of judgment or censure? You couldn’t tell me one thing you want that would weird me out. Truly. Even if I’m not into that particular thing. This is a safe place to be exactly who you are—even the portions others would label wrong. You won’t scare me away. And I’m not going to try to fit you in some box to suit my needs. It’s why I waited for you to open the door to more before I just ran roughshod over you, demanding you handle whatever I wanted to mete out.”
She stared at him, his speech seeping into her skin and settling into her bones. Acceptance without judgment. No predetermined expectations. It was a completely foreign concept to her. She’d jumped from box to box all her life, trying to morph herself into whatever other people expected her to be.
And this man had just burned down the box.
“I don’t even know what to do with all that,” she said honestly.
He leaned over and kissed her, then tugged her closer to settle her against his chest again. “You don’t have to do anything, Tess. Just close your eyes and rest. You can worry about the rest tomorrow. Right now we simply bask in the afterglow.”
She smiled at that, but when she snuggled closer and let her eyes drift shut, she knew she had far more to worry about than her newfound sexual desires.
She was about to get faux engaged.
To a man who was inspiring anything but faux feelings.
She was falling for him all over again.
And she wasn’t sure she had the strength to fight it anymore.
TWENTY-NINE
Tessa jolted awake, the morning light burning her eyes as she tried to figure out what was going on and what all the god-awful noise was.
Boom! Boom! Boom!