Truth be told, I didn't want to pick up a gun again. I didn't want to have to shoot anybody again - especially after what had happened with Kade and Kye. I feared the hesitation that had led to Kade's death. But most of all, I feared that I wouldn't hesitate. That I'd become the unthinking killer that Jack wanted me to be, simply because of the fear that I'd lose someone else if I didn't.
I'd spent a long time fighting Jack's desire to make me a guardian. When I'd finally become one, the fight had twisted, becoming a battle against his plans and my own nature. I didn't want to be the killer my brother was. As much as I loved him - as much as I didn't want to live without him - Rhoan's occasional ruthlessness scared the hell out of me.
Kade had once said that everyone hesitates, but he'd been wrong. My brother never did, and neither did the other guardians. Just me.
And that hesitation had cost me Kade.
I felt trapped, caged between the boulders of fate, my own nature, and fear. As much as I wanted to walk away from the Directorate, I couldn't. The drug given to me so long ago was still running rampant in my bloodstream, and the changes to my body were continuing. The scientists monitoring me were almost positive that, unlike the other recipients of the drug, I wouldn't gain the ability to take on multiple shifter forms - meaning I was stuck with the alternate shape of a goddamn seagull - but my clairvoyant skills were still growing, still changing. No one was sure where it would stop, and until it all settled down, I was stuck with the choice of the Directorate or the military.
And it was always better to stick to the devil you knew.
I drew in a shuddering breath, then hit the phone's call button. Jack answered second ring.
"You wanted me, boss?"
"Yeah, I did." He hesitated. "Are you okay? You still sound tired."
"I'm fine." But I rubbed a hand across my eyes and half wished that I'd lied. He'd given me the perfect out, and we both knew it. But I really did have to get on with my life - even the bits of it I was no longer so sure about.
"What's happening?"
"We've got what looks like a ritual killing. If you're feeling up to it, I'd like you to go over there and see if there's a soul hanging about."
"Sure. Send me the address and I'll head straight there." I hesitated. "It'll take me at least an hour, though. I'm up at the Grampians."
He didn't ask me why. He knew it was Kade's final resting place, and he also knew I'd missed his funeral.
"That's fine. Cole and his men are only just heading to the scene themselves. I'll send the report and the address to your onboard."
"Thanks, boss."
He grunted and hung up. I threw the phone on the passenger seat, then started the car and swung out of the parking lot. The computer beeped as I turned onto the Grampians Road and headed for the Western Highway. I pressed the screen, getting the address and transferring it across to the nav computer. I didn't bother looking at the report - I preferred getting my impressions from Cole and my own observations. I'd read it later, once I'd seen the crime scene for myself.
The body had been discovered in Melton, a suburb on the very outskirts of Melbourne. It had a reputation for being a rough area, but as I drove through the streets heading for Navan Park, it looked no worse than any other suburb. But maybe this section of Melton was the so-called better area. Every suburb had them.
I drove along Coburns Road until I saw the Directorate van parked at the side. I stopped behind it but didn't immediately get out.
Because my hands were shaking.
I can do this, I thought. I just didn't want to.
There was a difference. A big difference.
So why did it still feel like fear?
I took a deep, calming breath, shoved aside the insane desire to drive away, and opened the door, climbing out. Dawn had given way to a crisp, cool morning, but the sky was almost cloudless and the promise of warmth rode the air, caressing my skin.
The scent of blood was also rich in the air.
I locked the car and made my way through the park gates, following the path up the slight incline until the blood smell pulled me onto the grass and toward the group of gum trees that dominated the skyline. The grass crunched under my feet, evidence of how little rain we'd had of late, and the sound carried across the silence.
A figure appeared on the hilltop above and gave me a brief wave before disappearing again. The sharp glint of silvery hair told me it was Cole, and while I might not have missed coming to bloody crime scenes, I had missed Cole and his men.
I crested the hill and paused to survey the scene below. The body lay to the left of the trees, half ringed by scrubby-looking bushes that would have offered the killer little in the way of protection. Several yards beyond the trees was a lake in which ducks and toy boats floated. Kids ran around the edges of the water, oblivious to the cops stationed nearby.
I watched one little girl laugh as she chased a red ball that was rolling along the ground. With her blond pigtails and pale skin, she reminded me of Risa, Dia's daughter and the little girl who'd saved my life. She'd begun calling me Aunt Riley, and in my worst nightmares, I sometimes thought that this was as close as I was ever going to get to having a child of my own.
Because of my own inability to carry children, and because my soul mate was dead. The picket fence dream was dead. At least, the version of it that had carried me through childhood was.