Trying to explain the jigsaw puzzle I had started after high school has never been easy. Years ago, I tried to explain it to a few women, only to have them walk away from me afterward. The amount of shame and anger the conversation about my past conjures up makes them leaving because of it so much worse. They look at me as though I am weak, no longer the man they once knew. Some things are out of my control, and my past is one of them. Which is the reason I choose to keep it buried—where it belongs.
Only Jenny and Tyler understand the meaning behind my tattoos.
“The puzzle is almost complete,” Jenny says, tracing her fingers over my scars and causing me to flinch in the process. I hate when people touch me. Even my own flesh and blood.
“What’s missing?” She asks, feeling my scars. “You have room for one more.”
“I don’t know.” I do my best not to scream out in pain as her fingers roll over every bad memory. While the marks themselves don’t hurt, the thought of how they had gotten there still stings. “I’ll let you know when I figure the last one out.”
“I’m sure one day it will come to you.” Jenny touches me one last time before she retracts her hand and falls back onto her side of the couch.
“Yeah, eventually I will figure out what is missing in my life. Until then, I’m keeping the last spot open. My story is still being written.”
Without wasting another second, I slip my shirt back over my head and tug it over my tats. I feel better having them covered up. Having them exposed makes me feel vulnerable, even though Jenny understands the reason for them.
Jenny bites down on her bottom lip, concentrating on what she wants to say next. “You know dad—”
I stop her before she can finish speaking about our father. “Don’t even try it,” I warn her, my tone rough and harsh. “I have nothing left to say to him. His words mean nothing to me.”
“He wants to apologize to you, make amends before he dies.” Jenny attempts to squeeze my hand, but I slide away from her. We did enough touching for one day.
“Death is too kind for what he deserves,” I retort, meaning every word. My father is the worst man I have ever known. It’s a miracle I survived him.
“Don’t be like that, Carter. I know he was the hardest on you, but he loves you.”
“He never loved me. Dad loved you but never me. All Dad ever showed me was how much hatred is inside him. I don’t care what happens to him because he’s already dead to me.”
“Carter,” she breaths, unable to finish her train of thought. We have nothing more to say.
Jenny stares me down from across the couch, hoping I will change my mind. I won’t. How can so much good be inside her after what we had endured? Jenny is so much like our mother, a ray of sunshine, and my only light in a tunnel of darkness.
When Kyle starts crying, I hop off the couch. “I’ll get him,” I announce, desperate for a break from this conversation.
I pick the little guy up from the playpen and cradle him against my chest, stroking his back to calm him down. Tyler should come over here to practice on Kyle. He will need it. I still can’t believe how much his life has changed this year. I hope to find someone who I can talk to the way I do with Jenny. But I doubt I will ever be comfortable enough with a woman to let them cast a light on my darkness.
Despite my best efforts, I cannot get Kyle to stop crying. He needs his mother.
Jenny comes up from behind me and says, “Here, give him to me.”
She jiggles a toy that has plastic keys hanging from a ring at Kyle as she takes him from me.
He starts to smile with tears still running down his cheeks. Kyle is lucky to have such wonderful, loving parents. The home my sister and her husband provide for their son is how a child should grow up. No one should have to deal with what we had to endure as kids. At least my father liked Jenny enough to leave her alone and save his wrath for me.
I made sure of it. As much as I hate my dad for the things he did to me, I would’ve hated myself even more if I hadn’t stepped in for Jenny. She needed my protection, and she got it. Jenny deserved that much after all the sacrifices she had made for me. When my dad was in a bad mood, he spared no one, and I made sure he exhausted all his anger on me. I never let him lift a finger to hurt Jenny.
Jenny walks out of the living room with Kyle in her arms,
singing a song to him under her breath. By the time she hits the main entrance, the doorbell rings. No one comes here. Ever. Not unless I invite them, which is rare. Tyler is the only person other than my trainer who has ever stepped foot inside this house since I bought it five years ago.
“Can I help you?” Jenny asks, her voice traveling down the hall.
I begin to move toward the front door when I hear Sydney’s voice and stop dead in my tracks.
“I’m looking for Carter. Does he live here?”
“Yes.” Jenny gives nothing else away. “What can I help you with?”
Leaning against the wall between the sitting room and the hall, I wait for Sydney to continue. Why did she come here? She must have had a purpose for driving over to New Jersey. My house is about an hour drive from her apartment with traffic. It’s not like she lives around the corner and can use the excuse that she was in the neighborhood.