‘Yep,’ Ben admitted, and that was enough. He ran some sand through his hands, concentrated on the little grains instead of himself then glanced at his watch. ‘The power must be back on by now.’
‘So what if it is?’ Celeste smiled. ‘I’m enjoying talking—you were saying how much you miss her?’
God, she was persistent. Really, he should stand up and leave, but she’d said so much about herself and, picking up another handful of sand, he let it run through his closed fist, and admitted some of his truth. ‘I miss it for Jennifer too.’ Her silence was patient. ‘She loved living.’ He looked out to the water and could almost see her, blonde ponytail flying as she jogged. ‘She’d be out there running or swimming now—cramming some exercise in after work.’
‘Was she fit?’
‘Very.’ Ben nodded, but there was this savage rip of thought there because, despite doing everything right, despite her healthy lifestyle, it hadn’t counted for anything in the end.
‘What did she do?’
‘She was a doctor as well—in Emergency.’
‘What happened?’ Celeste asked, but Ben shook his head, not willing to go there. ‘Come on.’ It really was time to go now, and not just because he didn’t want to talk about it. He was doing her a favour. A woman in Celeste’s condition really didn’t need to hear about how Jen had died. So he held her hands and heaved her up and they walked back slowly, idly chatting about not very much at all, till Celeste wormed her way back in again.
‘Have you dated again—I mean since...?’
‘She died three, nearly four years ago,’ Ben said, answering the unspoken question.
‘Oh.’
‘A bit.’ He gave a shrug. ‘Though it was probably too soon.’
‘Are you still comparing them to her?’ Celeste asked, boldly striding in where no one else really dared to go, but Ben just ignored her question and, glad of the diversion, opened the gates to the units, but Celeste stood patiently waiting.
‘Are you?’ she asked.
‘Sorry?’
‘Comparing them?’
She was a persistent little thing, like a little woodpecker, peck, peck pecking away—
‘I used to,’ Ben admitted. ‘But not now—that’s not fair on anyone.’
‘Especially as she sounds like Superwoman,’ Celeste grumbled, and her response was so refreshing Ben actually smiled. ‘So,’ she pushed, ‘are you ready now?’
‘Perhaps, though not anything serious.’
‘Ooh, I’m sure there’ll be plenty of takers.’ Celeste grinned. After all, she’d heard the giggles and gossip in the staffroom—Ben could take his pick!
‘What about you?’ They were sitting on her steps now, the conversation, and the friendship, too new, too fragile to snap it by asking him in. And anyway the power was still off, so they sat on the steps and got to know each other just a little bit better.
‘I’m hardly in a position to date.’ Celeste rolled her eyes. ‘Can you imagine me out clubbing?’
‘I guess not!’
‘And I’m still in that “all men are snakes” place.’
‘It’s probably a very wise place to be right now,’ Ben agreed. ‘I’ve been a bit of a snake myself lately.’
‘Do tell!’ She did make him laugh, she was so eager for gossip, and so easy to talk to, that somehow he did.
‘I went out with someone for a while—she was great, but even though I told her from the start—’
‘She didn’t listen?’ she finished for him.
‘She did at first, said she wanted the same thing—then, well, it got a bit more serious. She started to hint at wanting different things.’ He looked into her smiling amber eyes. ‘Like moving in.’
‘Not for you?’ she said wisely.
‘Maybe one day, but she also started talking about children. And one thing I do know is that I don’t want kids.’
‘Never?’
‘Never,’ he said emphatically.
She got the message and was actually rather grateful for it. Oh, they hardly knew each other, had barely scratched the surface, but there was certainly if not an immediate attraction then at the very least an acute awareness. Which was something she hadn’t felt in the longest time—had been sure, after the way Dean had treated her, that she’d never feel it again. But sitting here, looking into Ben’s green eyes, hearing his words, Celeste suddenly realised that he felt it too. That he was carefully reading out the rules of any potential relationship should they choose to pursue one.
‘We couldn’t be less suited really,’ Celeste said after a moment’s pause. ‘I’m not looking at all, you’re not looking for serious and...’ she patted her large stomach ‘...this isn’t a hernia!’
‘I had worked that out!’ Ben smiled. ‘So how about we just be friends?’
She stared into his green eyes and this time she didn’t blush. Oh, she had a teeny crush on him—what heterosexual woman wouldn’t?—but her heart was way too bruised and her ego far too raw and her soul just too tender to even fathom going there again. It was simply nice to have an adult to talk to. Her world had changed so much, and with her family not talking to her and her struggle to fit in on her new course, it was just nice, very nice to have Ben in her life, to talk to a person instead of staring at the television. ‘A friend would be lovely.’
And still he stayed. Celeste went in and brought out two glasses of water, and then picked at daisies as they chatted, shredding them with her fingers, joining them up, and when she wasn’t looking at him, somehow it made it easier for Ben to talk.
‘You see, I had it all with Jen...’ He pushed his fingers through his hair, tried to sum up how he was feeling, because she was so easy to talk to. Maybe because she hadn’t known Jen, maybe because her eyes didn’t well up with tears as friends’ and family’s did when he spoke about her, or flinch in tiny reproach at his sometimes bungling efforts to try and move on with his life. ‘I don’t want to try to re-create it—I don’t want to do it again with someone else. I’ve already been there and done it.’
‘Lucky you, then.’ Ben blinked at her response. Really, he felt anything but lucky, but he supposed that, yes, she was right, he had been lucky to have Jen in his life for a while.
‘I’d give anything to be able to say to this little one that its dad and I were in love.’
‘Were you?’ Ben asked.
‘I thought so.’ She shrugged. ‘But looking back it was just infatuation, I guess—it sounds like you had the real thing.’
He didn’t answer, because at that moment her television started blaring through the window, a cheer coming from the unit opposite as the power kicked back in.
‘I’m going to do some work...’ Ben stood up.
‘Well, thank you for dinner...’ Celeste smiled ‘...and a thank-you from the baby too.’
‘You’re very welcome.’
‘I’d offer to return the favour, only I’m having enough trouble rustling up dinner for one at the moment,’ she said wryly.
‘I don’t expect you to.’
He didn’t expect her to. Celeste knew that and so too did Ben.
But next night when he came home from work he could see pots of sunflowers on his doorstep, her way of saying thank you, he guessed.
‘I have some good news for you,’ Ben said as he knocked on her door.
‘I could do with some. Come in,’ she invited.
‘Matthew was extubated this evening,’ Ben explained as he followed her into her tiny kitchen. ‘He’s doing really well—they’re hoping to move him from ICU in the morning.’
That was good news!
‘It could have been a very different story. I’ve had Belinda patting me on the back and the neuro consultant even came down to Emergency to say well done. I have told them that the credit goes to you.’ He watched her face pink up with his praise. ‘I know it’s tough deciding whether to wait and see or call for help.’
‘It can be,’ Celeste admitted, as she pulled a vast jug of iced tea from the fridge and poured them both a long glass. ‘I mean, you don’t want to look like an idiot or that you’re overreacting to everything...’
‘Overreact!’ Ben said simply. ‘For now at least—until you’ve got more experience and your hunch button’s working properly.’
‘Hunch button?’ Celeste frowned at the unfamiliar term. ‘What’s that?’
‘When you have a hunch about something, when you’re almost sure but not quite.’
She’d already worked out what he meant even before he explained it, but as he did explain it, she felt that glow in her cheeks darken just a touch, aware that he wasn’t quite meeting her eyes. Her hunch button was tapping away, but for different reasons now, and she flicked it off quickly.