What is she doing here?
Her eyes pin me in place. Part of me hates her. But all of me loves her. I’m so conflicted by my feelings for Sam.
What she did to me can’t be undone. I haven’t told my friends because they would kill her for selling information to The Queen. I want to understand her situation, though. I know she works hard to barely make ends meet, but it’s so hard to ignore the facts. She sold me out for money. It hurts like fucking hell every time I think about what she did to me.
Sam raises her hand and mouths something I can’t make out. She’s beautiful, her skin free of makeup, a bright smile on her face. I’ve missed her so fucking much. Except the pain of her betrayal keeps me from feeling anything other than anger.
I hold up my gloved hand, torn between my love and hate for her.
Does she deserve a second chance?
I never gave her the opportunity to fully explain the situation to me.
Maybe I should hear her out.
On Monday after class, I wait for Sam’s office hours to open before I stop by to see her. I stand in the entryway and knock on the door.
Startled, she jumps, clutching her chest. “Tucker,” she breathes. “You scared me. I wasn’t expecting anyone for another hour.”
“I know. I checked your calendar online.”
She sinks into the leather chair holding out her hand for me to sit on the other side of the desk. “I definitely wasn’t expecting you. But I’m glad you’re here.”
I get comfortable in the chair and drop my bag on the floor at my feet. “Thanks for coming this weekend.”
“Of course.” She smiles. “I wouldn’t have missed it for anything in the world. I really am sorry, Tucker.”
“I know.” I sigh. “I’m trying so hard to forgive you. I love you, Sam. I want this to work, but we can’t have any more secrets between us.”
“What do you want to know?”
“Everything.”
Sam leans forward, folding her hands on the desk in front of her. “Where do I start?”
“From the beginning.”
“Okay.” She blows out a puff of air. “The Queen approached me at the beginning of the year. She said she needed information on the men’s ice hockey team, and that she would pay me enough to make it worth my while. And she did. Working for her made my tuition fees a little more bearable.”
“You could have taken student loans,” I growl.
“I have loans. I even have a partial scholarship. Strick U is expensive. Most people can’t afford to come here without some assistance. My loans and scholarship only cover so much. You know my dad is a mess.” I nod, and she continues, “He makes good money on paper. No one cares that he spends it at the bar or casino. Because of his income, I don’t qualify for grants. At least my loans are deferred until after graduation, so that helps. I work at Broad Street Beans, as a tutor, and now a TA. Between the three jobs, I still didn’t have enough money. The Queen offered to pay off the balance that’s due every semester. I was going to look for another job after the school raised the tuition again, and when she offered to pay the remainder for a few bits of info, I didn’t think anything of it. I still hated you for tossing me aside like a piece of trash. In my mind, it was the best way to get my revenge. I still wasn’t over what you did to me. It didn’t matter that it was years later, the old wounds were still there.”
“I want to understand,” I confess. “I want to forgive you, Sam. I get that your life is harder than most. It’s a lot harder than mine. I won’t pretend that I know what you’re going through or that I get what it’s like to want something and not be able to afford it. But your reality doesn’t make mine hurt any less.”
“Don’t feel sorry for me,” she counters. “I don’t want your pity.”
“I don’t pity you. I never did.”
It’s the truth.
“I wish I could take it all back.” She blinks a few times. Her eyes are glassy under the lights. “If I could change the past, I would. I didn’t expect to fall in love with you, Tucker. I never knew it could hurt this bad to live without someone. Of all the things I’ve gone through over the years, I haven’t felt this kind of pain since my mom died.” Her voice cracks at the mention of her mom. She never talks much about her parents. “I want it to stop. I need it to stop. Take away my pain, Tuck. Please. I’m sorry. I love you. Forgive me.”
Compelled to be close to her, I jump out of the chair, and she stands, reaching out to touch me. I slip my fingers between hers and pull her into a hug. Her skin is so soft and warm against mine. She smells of citrus body wash, and I drink in her delicious scent.