It was everything.
The closest she’d come to sharing a connection like she had with LJ was the bond she had with her twin sister, Joy. Part of Holly felt shame in thinking her link to LJ was more significant than that of her twin sister, but it was the truth. Maybe, had Joy’s life not been cut so tragically short…
All of a sudden, tremendous despair gripped her, surprising her with its strength. A strangled sob tore from her throat, and she shoved LJ’s shoulders, needing to escape before she completely lost it.
“Sugar?” he said, those hazel turning a deep green as they always did when he worried.
“S-sorry,” she managed to grind out. “I-I d-don’t know w-what-what’s—”
“Shhh.”
Tears poured from her eyes as he gathered her into the comfort and protection of his strong arms. Intense sadness chased away the glow of satisfaction she’d been feeling, leaving a tight ball of anguish in her stomach.
What the hell was happening to her? Was she having a nervous breakdown?
“About fucking time,” LJ whispered as he rocked her back and forth.
“W-what?”
Somehow, he’d maneuvered them so his back rested against the headboard with her cradled in his lap. With his arms tight around her, he gently rocked side to side in a soothing motion.
For the life of her, Holly couldn’t seem to stem the torrent of tears. It felt like every ounce of happiness she’d ever felt was flowing from her eyes.
“Let it out, baby. Let it all out.”
Sure, this time of year was hard for her, but that wasn’t anything new. But it’d been years since she had such an overt emotional meltdown at Christmas time. LJ held her close until the worst of her sobs faded away.
With a hitch in her breath, she sagged against him. Totally spent, wrung out like an old sponge.
“Feel any better?” he asked as he began to rub her back.
“Not sure. I feel tired. And embarrassed.”
“Hey,” he cupped her face between his hands and gave her the most intense look she’d seen from him since the day she was injured by one of the deputies on her father’s force. “You haven’t been talking about it. Not about Joy or your parents. The pressure’s been building and mounting. If I’m being honest, I’m not sure how you haven’t exploded before now.”
“My parents?” she whispered. Just saying those two words was like a dagger to her already bruised heart.
“Yeah, sugar. This time of year is hard enough for you. And now, it’s the first Christmas without your family. Even though it was fucked up, it was still your world.”
And there it was. The thousand-pound elephant she’d been forcing from her brain at every turn. Holly hadn’t allowed herself to miss them, to think about how different things would be this year without the few traditions her family upheld.
Though her parents had been far from perfect as had her relationship with them, and though Christmas time had been difficult for her entire family, they’d still been there for each other the best they knew how. And they’d made some good memories. Things she’d looked forward to.
The stockings her mother still filled though her children were fully grown adults.
The butter cookies from the recipe that had been passed down from her great grandmother.
The homemade ornaments her parents had saved from her childhood.
All gone.
And not just for this year. For the remainder of her life. Blown away in a spectacular explosion of pain and betrayal.
“I haven’t been letting myself think about it,” she whispered as she ran a finger around LJ’s nipple.
He grunted. “I know. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned in all these months of therapy, it’s that shit eats you from the fucking inside out if you don’t let it free. Shoulda pushed you to talk before now.”
“No.” Holly shook her head. “I wasn’t ready.”
“Do you want to call them?”
She froze, staring at a photo of her and LJ that lived on the nightstand. They were on his bike with the Smoky Mountains making the most beautiful backdrop she could imagine. Huge smiles dominated both their faces. “No,” she said. “I’m not ready. I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready for that. Besides, I’m pretty certain Copper would skin you alive if you let me call them.” She glanced up at him.
“Copper understands how complicated family dynamics can be.”
Holly just nodded. What could she say to that? Complicated was too mild a word. “LJ?”
“Yeah, sugar?”
The up and downward stroke of his hand on her back lulled her into a boneless state. Her eyes drooped, and for the first time in weeks, the anxiety she hadn’t even realized was present dissipated. “Thank you.”
“Christ, Holly, don’t you know?”
She met his gaze, still so serious. “Know what?”
“I’d move those fucking mountains just to see you smile,” he said as he indicated the picture she’d been staring at. “Now, tell me about your favorite Christmas growing up, and I’ll tell you all about Maverick’s pornaments.”