“Money changes people. That’s why I have made it my mission to stay poor.”
She chuckled, knowing he wasn’t hurting for money in the field of hard labor he did. “I just wish we were closer, and she accepted that I am just a regular, nothing special girl.”
He looked at her, all serious, and then said, “You are special, and fuck anyone that thinks differently.” Toby smiled. “No offense to your mom, that is.”
She smiled, feeling light when she was with him. He didn’t say anything for several moments, and neither did she, but the quiet was nice, comfortable even. He lay back on the hood, reached out for her hand so she was forced to lie back as well, and then Toby lifted his hand and stared at the sky.
She watched as he started to pinch his thumb and forefinger together, and knitted her eyebrows in confusion.
“What are you doing?” she asked softly and then chuckled when he looked over at her.
“When I was young, maybe four or five, I used to stare out my window at the stars.” He looked at the sky again. “I used to try and pinch the stars, take away the light because I thought if there wasn’t any more in the sky my father wouldn’t be able to see me.” He chuckled, but it was humorless.
“Oh God, Toby, that breaks my heart.” She felt emotion clog her throat at the mental image of a small, vulnerable little boy trying to make it through every night without getting hurt.
“I used to hate my dad, wished I was stronger so I could fight back so he couldn’t hurt me or my mom again.”
She wanted to comfort him, but knew trying that right now wasn’t the best option.
“And then I did grow up, got bigger, and could fight back. But still he didn’t stop, not until I broke his nose and he had to explain to the ER staff how he had gotten it.” He sounded pissed.
“We don’t have to talk about this.”
He shook his head. “I want to. I want you to know about me and my life.” He looked at her then. “His job relocated him, and so he and my mom left. They had been living out of state for the last few years, and even though I wanted my mom to move in with me, get away from my dad, she didn’t. She wouldn’t, like she was stuck in this toxic state. I tried getting her help, but that upset her to the point she cried, said I was making things worse.” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “I feel like a failure because I didn’t force her to come with me.”
“Sometimes you can’t force people, Toby. Sometimes they just don’t know how to live outside of what they know.”
He nodded and grabbed her hand, tightening his fingers around hers, looking almost sad and lost. “Does it scare you that I want you as much as I do?” Toby said, and pushed up on his elbows. He leaned in close, his gaze staring right into hers.
She didn’t miss the way he changed the subject, but it was probably so hard for him to deal with. “No, but I still wonder why me.”
He took her hand and brought it up, looking at each of her fingers. “Your hands are so small, so tiny compared to mine.” He held his hand flat with his palm facing hers, and then placed hers on his so their palms were pressed together.
The act seemed strangely intimate, especially when he started tracing each of her fingers.
“It should frighten you, because it scares the hell out of me.” He looked at her again. “I know this is fast, so fucking crazy, too, but it feels right, doesn’t it?”
She licked her lips and nodded. “Yes, it does,” she said in a soft voice. “It’s like we just met, even though I’ve known you forever, but it feels good and right, Toby, as crazy as that sounds.”
He brought her fingers to his mouth and kissed them as he watched her. “I missed out on years of being with you, even if I didn’t realize it at the time.” He lay back on the hood again, breathed out roughly, and stared at the sky.
Could he hear her increased breathing? Every touch and look from him sent a thrill of desire through her, and had this warmth moving through her that didn’t have anything to do with arousal.
“This doesn’t feel like a passing, fleeting moment for me, Shoshanna, and although I don’t know why it is so strong, I am not about to question it. This is the first time I’ve felt anything remotely real and good in my life, and I don’t want to lose that.”
Her heart raced at his words, and her gaze was on his lips as he spoke. When he didn’t respond she lifted her gaze to his. Everything else around them faded as Toby leaned up once again, and lowered his head toward hers. Her heart stopped at the first, gentle brush of his lips against hers.