She let go of him, looked down at his chest, and then nodded. When she lifted her gaze there was this hesitance in her expression. She licked her lips, and in a soft voice said,
“Yeah, we really do need to talk, Toby.”
19
Shoshanna glanced out the passenger side window and watched the houses pass by in a blur of color and speed. They had only been driving for the last ten minutes, but it had been in silence, with this heavy weight surrounding them. She felt the strong weight of his hand on hers and looked down.
Toby slipped his fingers between her much thinner, smaller ones. They drove like that for the next five minutes, and when he pulled into town and stopped at the little Italian restaurant that had just opened up this past year, she felt her heart speed up. When was a good time to tell him about the baby?
Should she do it now where they were sitting in the privacy of his car, or maybe wait until they were inside where the crowd could be a buffer? Toby wanted her now, but how would he feel once she laid this down in front of him?
He pulled into a parking spot and cut the engine, and for several moments they just sat there. He turned and looked at her face, and then lowered his gaze down to where their hands were entwined. “Is this okay, Shoshanna?” he asked in a soft, deep voice.
She smiled. “We’ve had sex, so holding hands is totally okay.” She looked down at their hands and covered the back of his with her palm. “This is nice.” Shoshanna felt like a teenage girl again. The butterflies in her belly started to go wild, and beads of perspiration dotted the area between her breasts.
He shifted in his seat, and she couldn’t help but glance down at his big, strong thighs. Her eyes widened when she saw the bulge pressed against his fly. Oh. God. He was aroused.
She licked her lips again, the damn things suddenly so dry.
“I guess we should go in and eat,” he said, smiled big, and squeezed her hand all seemingly at the same time. Before she could open the door he was climbing out of the car and making his way around the front bumper to her side. He opened the passenger side door and helped her out. She had never been with a guy so attentive to her, so nice and genuine.
They made their way into the restaurant, and didn’t have to wait for a table in the back. It was intimate, covered with a plastic red and white checkered tablecloth, and even had a small candle in a wine bottle sitting in the center.
Once seated with their drink order placed, Toby leaned forward and rested his forearms on the table. The way he looked at her told her that this conversation wouldn’t be lighthearted.
Whatever he had to say was serious, but not as serious as what she would tell him before this night was over. She glanced down at the table, needing to break their intense stare, and thought about how this was actually going to end.
They were both so young, so inexperienced when it came to something like this. She wasn’t ready for a baby, and she had to assume neither was Toby. But whether they were ready or not didn’t matter, because she was going to have his child, and she was going to keep it with or without his help.
“Shoshanna, look at me.”
The way he said those words had her wanting to do what he said. She didn’t think of herself as a pushover, but the rough timbre had her automatically responding and it wasn’t something she could help. He held her gaze for a suspended moment.
“Tell me what you’re thinking.”
No, she wouldn’t tell him about the pregnancy right now, but she would when they were alone again.
“Why me?” The words tumbled out of her mouth before she could stop them. He leaned back in his seat as if he was surprised by her question.
“Why you?”
She nodded.
“Honestly, I don’t know what it is about you that has me so drawn.”
“Um, thanks?” She had no clue if that was a compliment or not.
He smiled and then chuckled. “I meant that in only the best of ways. Why not you is a better question.” Before he could elaborate the waitress came by with their drinks.
“I just don’t know what you’re trying to do here with me.” A date didn’t constitute a serious, monogamous relationship, she knew that, but for her this was more than just a one-night stand.
“I’m going to be honest and lay everything out there, Shoshanna, because that is one of the reasons I wanted to see you again … to be honest with you.” He rested one arm over the back of his chair and straightened his leg out the side. “My home life was shitty, my father a drunk that liked to beat his wife and son, and that was all I ever knew until I could fight back.”