He shook his head, rolling his eyes at my snotty remark, refusing to feed into it. This time, no one had to look at me with disappointment—I was disappointed in myself.
“I’m not saying you are. I’m asking you a very mature question. You’ve been so pissed about being forced to be here and pissed over your parents not accepting who you want to be, but have you ever stopped to think about what you do want?”
The situation slipped from my hands. I’d barely held on to it after he called on me, but sitting in a desk with him looming over, asking me questions I didn’t know the answer to left me at a loss. Everything closed in, and all the unimportant things like torturing Will fell away.
One question rattled around, shaking everything else free.
What do you want?
“I—I don’t know. I guess no one has asked me,” I admitted, coming to the realization even as I said the words.
“I’m asking now.”
In that moment, I wanted to stand up and hug him. I wanted to find the old comfort and understanding in his arms like I had before. In that moment, I realized what I’d really been fighting for. It hadn’t been for him to admit he wanted me. He’d already said that. I wanted him to come to me and tell me he missed me. Missed watching tv. Missed coming home to my embrace. Missed laughing with me. Missed just me. Something no one had ever missed before.
In that moment, I let it all go and dropped all pretenses, giving him my honest self like I had before. “I want to travel.”
“I do too, but you can’t just wander around forever aimlessly. Trust me, I tried. You need a plan. If that includes economics, then great. If not, then stop wasting everyone’s time and go talk to your counselor to figure out what your plan does include. Just…stop being so angry and do something about it.”
After his speech, I didn’t have anything left to say. He’d said it all and took the wind out of my sails while he said it. Feeling embarrassed by my actions that brought us here, ashamed of acting like the child I constantly demanded he stop treating me like, I kept quiet. Instead, opting to nod my head, letting him know I heard him, and standing to go.
He gave me a nod of his own. Enough words had been said today, and I think we were both too tired to argue anymore.
My chest ached with each step toward the door. His honesty hurt, but I’d appreciated he’d said it. In his own way, it had been him admitting he cared, and that eased the pain.
“Willem?” I called from the door.
He looked up from where he packed his bag. “Yeah?”
“Thank you.”
“Any time. And not just for a little while. Any time you need me—really need me—I’m here.”
Twelve
Willem
Working on a Saturday wasn’t exactly my top pick on how to spend my weekend, but after the collision after class earlier this week, we’d been avoiding each other. I made sure she knew I could pick her up from work, drive her anywhere she needed to go, or take my car if it was free. But as classes went on, she made friends, and they gave her rides. Hell, as much as she’d been working, she’d be able to buy a car in no time.
I didn’t blame her for avoiding me. Tuesday had been a mess. Hell, all of this was a mess, but my hot spot was work, and she knew it. I’d worked too damn hard to get here to fuck it up. She talked about wanting to make her plans around traveling. Well, economics had been my ticket to travel. It’d been my plan.
Nowhere in that plan included a fiery, stubborn, young woman who challenged me every step of the way.
But I couldn’t stop wondering if maybe it should.
I missed her.
I kind of even missed the way she tortured me at home.
I definitely missed the hugs.
I missed her body. I’d only had it for a few days, but it’d been enough to become ingrained in my identity.
More than her body, I missed her mind—her soul. I missed our talks. The debates and plans for places we still wanted to see.
She’d found a hole I hadn’t known was there and burrowed herself inside me. Before her, it’d been irrelevant, and now, it yawned like a gaping bullet wound I ached for her to wrap her arms around and make better.
She had so much to give—so much to still do. No one had just let her go for it with their full support. She did all her actions and created all her success in defiance. More of a fuck you to everyone she wanted to prove wrong rather than actually making decisions about what she wanted her future to be. I hated how it all played out but remembering her soft thank you at the end was the silver lining.