“You’re a pain in my ass.” I laughed. I couldn’t help myself.
“I love you too, my beautiful, virginal best friend.”
I ignored Cassie’s shit-eating grin and strode for the fridge. Lord knew there was a giant glass of wine with my name on it.
“Let’s hear it,” she demanded, plopping down at the kitchen table. “Why are you a stupid hussy?”
Grabbing a bottle of moscato from the fridge, I filled a coffee mug to the brim. “I don’t want to talk about it. It’s too embarrassing.”
“Uh-huh. Sure you don’t. That explains why you were just talking to yourself about it.” She eyed me with a pointed look. “Spit it out, Georgia Rose.”
I shook my head, taking a giant swig of sugary wine.
Cassie stared.
I shook my head again.
Her eyes did that scary death glare thing where I started to be concerned for my well-being.
“Okay,” I relented, holding both hands in the air like I was being held at gunpoint. “Okay. But you have to cool it on the creepy eyes first. You’re wigging me out.”
She smiled. “Works like a charm. Every. Single. Time.”
I groaned.
“So,” she encouraged, gesturing with her hand. “What has your panties in such a twist?”
“Kline asked me out.”
“Kline? Who’s Kline?”
“Kline Brooks…Mr. Brooks…” I offered, jogging her memory.
“Holy fucking goat scrotums! Kline Big-dicked Billionaire Brooks? Your crazy-hot, super-rich boss?” she continued before I could utter a response. “Say whaaaaaaat? How in the hell did this happen?”
“First of all, what do you mean by ‘how in the hell did this happen?’ I might be a virgin, but I’m not a two-bagger. I can look pretty when I actually take the time to brush my hair.”
“Oh, cool your jets. You’re gorgeous and you know it. Kline Brooks would be one lucky son of a bitch to score a date with you.”
“And how do you know he has a big dick? You’ve seen him once. And it was a five-second ‘Oh, that’s my boss, Kline’ conversation while we were walking across the parking lot. You haven’t even met him in person.”
“Five seconds is all I need.” She tapped the side of her head. “You know my cockdar is off the chain. I can sense a giant swinging penis pendulum from at least ten miles away. It’s a God-given talent, Georgie.”
I choked on my wine. “Let’s not bring God into this.”
She raised an eyebrow. “God knows the G-spot needs a more than adequate-sized wiener to get the job done.”
“I’m pretty sure that comment just got you wait-listed for heaven.”
“Probably.” She shrugged. “Tell me you said yes to Big-dicked Brooks.”
“Stop calling him that!” I shouted, unable to hold back laughter.
“Oh, c’mon, Virgin Mary, you know your boss has that ‘Hello, ladies, I’m packing’ swagger.” She waggled her eyebrows. “Tell me you said yes to him. For the love of God, tell me you’re going on a date with him.”
“He’s not my type.”
“Georgie,” she groaned. “He’s handsome. He’s successful. He’s not propositioning you for a five-dollar blow job. What’s not to like? I don’t get it.”
“Five-dollar blow job? What are you even talking about?”
“Obviously, bad propositions.” She held out both hands, irritated. “Even the worst blow job—with teeth and chapped lips and poor suction—is worth more than five bucks.”
I sighed. “Look, he has like eleventy bajillion dollars in his bank account. His suits cost more than our apartment. We are not on the same level. Not even close.”
“First off, that’s not a number. Secondly, who the fuck cares? Why are you judging him by his money?”
“I’m not judging.”
She nodded, eyes wide. “Oh, yes you are. You’re totally judging.”
“But…he’s…”
“Stop it.” A stern finger was pointed in my direction. “Stop being judgy.”
Was I really judging Kline by his money?
And more importantly, did he really have a big d-i-c-k?
“You’re going on a date with him, aren’t you?”
I feigned confusion. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“You little hussy! You’re freaking out because you said yes, didn’t you?!”
Her evil, victorious laugh pushed me over the edge. “Fine!” I shouted. “He called me ‘fucking beautiful’ and I folded like a deck of cards. I might as well have lifted my skirt and spread my legs for him. I was pathetic. Like some swooning, teenage girl. I said yes because he tossed a goddamn compliment in my direction!”