“Wait, you thought I was talking about sex?”
Lucas stared at me. I realized immediately that of course he’d been talking about sex; he was lying on top of me, and I was half undressed. It wasn’t like I hadn’t been thinking about that, too—maybe even later tonight—but I had been talking about tying us together forever.
“Bianca, are you—Did you mean—you were talking about drinking my blood?”
“Yeah.”
“But not just drinking my blood.” His face was drawn and pale.
“Right?”
“I thought you wanted me to—to make you a vampire.” The ultimate gift. I lay one hand on Lucas’s cheek, loving the touch of him. Old dreams of mine sparkled like new in my mind, and for an instant I dared to hope. “Doing that would make me a vampire, too. And then, Lucas—
we’d never have to be apart again.”
Lucas went totally still. “I’d die first. I mean, die and stay dead. Bianca, don’t ever ask me that again. Because that is the one thing in the world I won’t do for you. I’ll never be a vampire. Never.” Every word was a blow. He’d come so far in understanding us, and I thought his old resistance to the idea might have vanished. But here it was, as strong as ever. I felt confused; worse, I felt rejected. Lucas didn’t want what I’d offered or what I was.
There didn’t seem to be anything else to say, and the crazy heat that had goaded us on before had vanished like it had never been. We both sat up, shifting slightly away from each other. My bare skin finally felt the cold, and after a moment I began to button my sweater with shaking fingers. Lucas gently put an arm around my shoulder, but the embrace was awkward now. I’d never thought it could feel weird to be held by him, but it did.
Chapter Fourteen
“YOU OKAY?” LUCAS SAID FOR ABOUT THE TWENTIETH
time, as he drove me back into Riverton.
“I’m all right. Honestly.” Inside I felt torn up and confused, but I didn’t want to admit it—neither to Lucas nor to myself.
We’d pulled ourselves together, looked at the stars, and talked, but nothing had been the same. The only words I really heard were Lucas’s, ringing in my memory: I’ll never be a vampire.
He’d said it before. I’d believed him. But this time it had really hit me: No matter what happened, no matter how much we loved each other, there would always be a boundary between me and Lucas. I’d en-dured our separation this year because I’d believed it wouldn’t be permanent. How could it be, when we loved each other so much?
But now I found myself wondering if this was all we could ever have: furtive meetings and smuggled letters, a few moments of passion stolen amid weeks and weeks of loneliness.
And someday he would grow old—even die—and leave me here alone forever.
Lucas pulled up in front of the movie theater just as patrons started coming out. Amid the older couples and a few laughing teenagers, one shape stood out from the rest—Balthazar, tall and saturnine in his long black coat.
“I should go.” I turned back toward Lucas. “Where will we meet up next time?”
“January, I think. There’s this one town—Albion—Charity goes there a lot. At least, that’s what the reports say. Guess that’s where Balthazar would be willing to take you.”
“He’ll do that, definitely. Second Saturday in January? Eight P.M.?” He nodded. “Where?”
“Center of town. Trust me, it’s a small town—we can’t miss each other.” He cupped my cheek in his hand. “I love you.” I nodded, too choked up to speak.
Lucas drew me closer and kissed my forehead. “Hey. No crying now.”
“I won’t.” I breathed in his scent. If only I could somehow keep him with me all the time, every moment, so that he was never any farther away than this. “Christmas morning, wherever you are, think about me.
I’ll be thinking about you.” We kissed each other tenderly before I reluc-tantly opened the truck door and climbed out.
On the way home, Balthazar and I didn’t say anything to each other at first until we’d driven almost all the way back to Evernight Academy.
It wasn’t an awkward silence, exactly; I was preoccupied with my own concerns and could tell that Balthazar was, too. Finally I ventured, “Did you learn a lot? From Lucas’s notes, I mean.”
“Not nearly enough. But I know that Charity’s revisiting the towns in this area—the places she remembers. She does that sometimes, but it never makes her happy. It’s like she hates those places for having changed while she stays the same.”
“You can find her, then.” I rubbed my hands together, still chilled from the wintery cold. “You can figure out where she’ll be.” Balthazar kept his eyes on the road as he flicked on the car’s heater.