Bella looked out of the window to where Edoardo was coming back across the fields with Fergus. He looked up and smiled at her, raising his hand in a wave. She smiled and waved back, her heart feeling as if someone had pressed it between two book ends. ‘I think I have always loved him,’ she said, but her mother had already ended the call.
* * *
Edoardo was clearing the last of the snow from the driveway when Bella came out to him. She was dressed in a pom-pom hat and mittens and looked so adorably cute he felt as if someone had grabbed him inside his chest. She had a little frown on her face and he put the shovel to one side so he could gather her hands in his. ‘Why the long face?’ he asked.
She blew out a breath that misted in front of her face. ‘Nothing...’
He pushed up her chin. ‘Hey,’ he said. ‘You were smiling when I waved to you half an hour ago. What’s happened?’
She chewed at her lower lip. ‘I had a talk to my mother.’
‘And?’
Her shoulders went down. ‘I told her I’m not going to prop her up any more. She didn’t like hearing it. She hung up on me.’
Edoardo gathered her close. ‘You did the right thing,’ he said. ‘For too long you’ve been the parent in that relationship.’
She looked up at him with those big brown eyes. ‘I also told her I’m not going ahead with my engagement. I’m going back to London on Saturday to talk to Julian.’
He studied her features for a moment’s silence. ‘I see.’
The tip of her tongue slipped out to moisten her lips. ‘I think you’re right,’ she said. ‘I need more time to think about my future.’ She paused for a moment, her eyes still meshed with his. ‘You were right about something else.’ Another little pause. ‘I’m not in love with him. I don’t think I was ever in love with him.’
‘What made you finally realise that?’ Edoardo asked.
There was something in her eyes as she held his gaze that tugged on his heart like a small child pulling at his mother’s skirt. ‘I guess I must have finally grown up,’ she said. ‘Took me long enough, didn’t it?’
He put her from him and stepped a couple of strides away, shoving a hand through his hair. ‘I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, Bella,’ he said. ‘I told you what I was prepared to offer. We can continue our affair, but that’s all it will ever be.’
She looked at him with such raw longing that the tug on his heart became almost painful. ‘We could have such a great future together,’ she said.
‘Your father trusted me to keep you safe,’ Edoardo said. ‘He didn’t want you to throw your life away on an impulse. What you’re doing now is exactly what he was worried about. Ten days ago you were determined to marry this Bellamy fellow, now you think you’ve suddenly developed feelings for me. Who’s it going to be next week, or next month?’
‘I haven’t suddenly developed feelings for you,’ she said. ‘These are not new feelings. I think they’ve been here all the time. I’m still getting my head around them. I need some time to think. These last few days have been amazing...but I’m not sure I can settle for an affair. I want the whole fairy tale.’
Edoardo let out a heavy sigh and brought her close again, resting his head on top of hers. ‘I don’t want to hurt you, Bella,’ he said. ‘But I just can’t make those sorts of promises.’ He breathed in the scent of her hair, felt her body melt against him like she was a part of him. He had never wanted anyone like he wanted her. He had thought his desire for her would have burned out by now but if anything it had become even more intense. He ached for her. But making a commitment to her, or to anyone, was beyond his capabilities. He could not envisage allowing someone—even someone as adorable and endearing as Bella—to have the power to abandon him.
He was the one who left when the time came.
He was the one who locked his feelings away so no one could exploit them.
He was the one who never loved.
Bella’s infatuation with him would soon end. He was sure of it. She had fallen in and out of love ever since she’d hit her teens. Their little fling would run its course and she would go back to London and slot back into her high-society life.
At least this way she would never know how much he would miss her when she went.
* * *
Edoardo rose early the next morning. Not that he’d had a lot of sleep, but then neither had Bella, when it came to that. Making love with her during the night, knowing that she was leaving within the next twenty-four hours, had deeply unsettled him in spite of his resignation that things between them could go no further. He was used to distancing himself when relationships ran their course. He never suffered agonies of conscience or regret. He cut loose and moved on. Why, then, should it be any different this time? But something about the way Bella had curled up in his arms with her head resting against his chest had made something work loose inside his chest. Every time he took a breath, he felt it catch.