‘I’m thirty-two, and I haven’t had a serious relationship since university. I assumed it wasn’t likely to happen.’
‘Well, now you can assume differently.’
‘Assuming I can get pregnant in the first place.’
He shrugged. ‘Is there any reason you believe you cannot?’
‘No.’ She couldn’t believe they were talking about having a baby together so clinically, and yet somehow it didn’t surprise her at all. Mateo was approaching the whole matter of their marriage in as scientific a way as possible, which she didn’t mind, not exactly.
‘What about love?’ she asked baldly. ‘I know you didn’t approach me because of love, but is it something that could happen in time? Something you’d hope for?’ A long silence ensued, which told her everything.
‘Is that something you would wish?’ Mateo asked finally. ‘Something you would hope for?’
Which sounded pathetic, and was the exact reason why she’d thought this whole idea was ridiculous in the first place. Well, that and a lot of other reasons, too.
And yet...was it? Did she want the fairy-tale romance, to fall head over heels in love with someone? With Mateo? Falling head over heels sounded painful. And from her limited experience with Josh, it had been. Did she really want that again, just because everyone around her—on TV, in books—seemed to assume it was?
When she and Mateo had first started working together, she’d had a bit of a crush on him and she’d worked to get over it. And she had. Did she really want to feel that soul-pinching, gut-churning sensation of liking someone more than he liked you, and in this case to a much more serious degree? Wouldn’t it be easier if they just both agreed to keep that off the table for ever?
‘Honestly, I don’t know,’ she said slowly. ‘It’s what everyone assumes you should want.’
‘Maybe between the pages of a book like the one on your coffee table, but not in real life. Feelings like that fade, Rachel. What we have—what we could have—would be real.’
‘You don’t need to sound quite so dismissive about the whole idea,’ Rachel returned.
‘Not dismissive,’ Mateo countered. ‘Sensible. And I think you’re sensible, as well.’ He held her gaze, his aquamarine eyes like lasers. Not for the first time, Rachel wondered why he had to be so beautiful. It would be so much easier if he was more normal looking. Average.
‘So you’re not interested in falling in love?’ she asked, unsure if her tone was pathetic or joking or somewhere in between. ‘I just want to make sure.’
Mateo was silent for a long, painful moment. ‘No,’ he said finally. ‘I am not.’
She nodded, absorbing that, recognising that at least then the whole issue would be off the table. Not something to be discussed or hoped for, ever. Could she live with that? Was she sensible enough? ‘I have my mother to consider,’ she said at last, hardly able to believe they were now talking about real practicalities. ‘She has Alzheimer’s. She needs my care.’
‘That is not a problem. She can accompany us to Kallyria, where she will receive top medical care, her own suite of rooms, and a full-time nurse.’
‘I don’t know if she could cope with that much change. She struggled to move here from Sussex.’
‘If it is preferable, she could stay in Cambridge. I can arrange her care at the best residential facility in the area immediately.’
Rachel sighed. Thinking of her mother made her feel anxious—and guilty. Because the thought of escaping the mundanity of her life with her mother, the constant complaining and criticism that she’d faced her whole life and that had become only worse with her mother’s disease, was wonderfully liberating.
‘I don’t know,’ she said at last. ‘I suppose I could discuss it with her.’ A prospect that made her stomach cramp.
‘If it helps, I could do that with you,’ Mateo said, and for a second Rachel felt as if she’d put on a pair of 3D glasses. She could see the whole world in an entirely different dimension.
If she married Mateo, she wouldn’t have to do everything alone. She’d have someone advocating for her, supporting her, and backing her up. Someone to laugh with, to share life with, to discuss ideas and sleep next to. What did love have on any of that? Suddenly, blindingly, it was obvious. Wonderfully obvious.
‘Thank you,’ she said after a moment, her voice shaky, her mind still spinning.
‘It’s not a problem at all.’ Mateo paused, his hands flat on the table as he gave her a direct look. ‘While I recognise the seriousness of your decision, and the understandable need for time to consider, I am afraid matters are quite pressing. The situation in my country is urgent.’
‘Urgent?’
‘The instability of rule has led to a rise in insurgency. Nothing that cannot be dealt with, but it means I need to be back in Kallyria, firmly on my throne, my wife at my side, as soon as possible.’
‘How soon as possible do you mean?’ Rachel asked as she grappled with the whole idea of insurgency and Mateo needing to deal with it.
‘Tomorrow would be best.’