Waves of pleasure consume me, and soon I’m screaming as an orgasm washes over me like a sudden storm.
Chapter 34
Marian
I can’t believe that I’m here. Not that there’s anything wrong with Dr. Frost. She’s kindly and warm, and she has that way about her that makes you want to tell her everything.
I sit stiffly in my chair with my hands folded on my lap as she goes on about confidentiality and so on. Sort of like the safety briefing you get before an airplane takes off. I hope the session goes fast. I have a final walkthrough with Mark and Brenda, a couple getting married on Saturday.
I don’t know what made me text Brooke and ask her for the number of the therapist. Okay, I do know. Declan has been talking about the baby, inviting me to talk it over with him. But I can’t. I feel like a fool on two levels. One, for my body lying to me that I was pregnant. I’ve never heard of such a thing before me. Second, for grieving over it. So, I’ve been slapping on a smile and telling Declan that I’m okay and I’ve moved on.
Except that I haven’t. I’ve been feeling myself slipping into desperation mode. Or crazy mode, if I’m to be honest with myself. And so, here I am.
When she’s done, she smiles at me. “How can I help you, Miss Stevens?”
That question makes me want to get up from my chair and bolt from the room. “Please call me Marian.”
“Okay,” she says. “So this is your first time seeing a therapist?”
“Yes.”
“It’s always nerve-wracking the first time. That’s normal,” she says.
I let out a shaky laugh. I look away toward the window. Maybe if I’m not looking at her, the words will come out easier. I start haltingly at first, but I quickly gain momentum as I return to my life with Leonard.
As I talk about it, the fact that I actually considered going back to him horrifies me. Leonard is an evil person. There is no other word to describe him. Saying the words out loud, describing the kind of things he did to make my life miserable is a wake-up call. Shame comes over me as the words fall out of my mouth. It makes me question myself. What did I think of myself to allow someone to trample on my self-esteem like that? My heart expands to painful proportions.
Is that who I am? A woman who falls in love and gives the man the key that decides how she’ll live? How he’ll treat her? Tears flow from my eyes.
“Why are you crying?” Dr. Frost asks me softly.
“Because I’m the one who gave him that power over me.”
That hurts. The knowledge that Leonard did not do it to me. I did it to me. I hurt myself. Losing Lilly was no one’s fault but mine. The best way I could have protected her was by leaving Leonard.
Two hours later, as I leave Dr. Frost’s office, I’m numb and exhausted, and I’m not sure I’ll return for another appointment. I drive to the Sace winery, where the garden wedding will be held. I’m glad for the twenty-minute drive as it gives me time to go back to my normal self.
It’s a beautiful venue, though a bit pricey, but totally worth it for couples that can afford it. As soon as I drive down the long, cobbled drive, I’m hit by the scent of ripe grapes that make me long for a glass of cold white wine.
I’m a little early, and I take the extra time to speak to the winery event coordinator. Her name is Jessica, and she’s as passionate about weddings as I am. The ceremony itself will be held in the gorgeous formal gardens followed by a reception in the ballroom.
There’s nothing wedding planners appreciate more than a wedding where the ceremony itself and the reception are held in one venue. It makes for an easy transition from one place to another, and the chances of lateness are next to nil.
Mark and Brenda arrive and join us in the gardens where the ceremony will be held. Warmth spreads through my body as I see how in love they are. They simply cannot keep their hands from each other.
Couples like Mark and Brenda remind me why I do this. They make me believe in love all over again. I think about Declan. When strangers see us, what do they see? I don’t know whether it’s love that I feel for him. If it is love, would I have contemplated leaving everything we have because of the lure of having a daughter? I swallow a lump of saliva and force my thoughts back to the present.
“I love the smell of roses,” Brenda says, looking up at Mark.
“They don’t rival your scent,” Mark says, and they are lost in their world.