My heart beats several times.
“Once,” she whispers. “That’s when I walked away.”
“Jesus.”
“I hit him back,” she mumbles into my chest. “I made him bleed. If I showed restraint, then maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad.”
Every muscle in my body convulses. He’s dead. He’s fucking dead. The damned bastard won’t walk another day. “I’m glad you hit him back.”
She becomes limp in my arms. “It’s funny. I spent my entire life learning how to fight and I never thought of it as hurting someone. It was a sport—the ultimate chess match—and I was good at it. When I stepped into the ring, my intentions were never to hurt. My intentions were to use my skills against another person with skills. But with Matt, I meant to hurt him and I did. Doesn’t that make me as bad as him?”
I set my hands on her shoulders and move so I’m eye level to Haley. “He hit you.”
She flinches with the word hit. “He hurt me.”
“Hit.” I flip back through our conversation and realize she’s never fully admitted what he did. “He attacked you and you defended yourself. This wasn’t a sparring match or a tournament. Someone you trusted failed you. That makes him an asshole and you justified.”
Haley cracks her neck to the side and steps from me. I allow her the space, because she’s heading away from the door. Her fingers brush along the top of my dresser, touching two of my watches, a class ring and a bottle of cologne.
She assesses the room. The judgment I’d been waiting for since the first night I brought her here settles on her face. “Why are you with me? You could have anyone, yet you’re with me.”
“What you mean to say is that I’m rich.”
“And I’m poor. I lived in a homeless shelter.”
I shrug. “And I lived in my car.”
“You can’t understand me.” She dangles the Rolex from her fingers. “It’s not the same.”
“No, it’s not. There are things about us that are different, but don’t try to make me out to be something other than what I am when I’m with you. Being with you is the only time I’m okay living in my own skin.”
“Why me?” There’s a taunt in her voice and she’s looking to pick an argument. “Did you get tired of girls who would give you whatever you wanted and decided to go for the chase?”
“Why are you pushing me so hard?”
“I’m not,” she says. But she is. She doesn’t like what I said to her about Matt.
“Last night you weren’t sure you wanted us. Now that I know something intimate about you are you going to do what you do best? Are you going to hole up in your head and run away?”
“You’re a jerk,” she spits out.
I throw out my arms. “I sure am, but at least I’m not playing dead. Are you fighting or are you running? Because this is on you. You can say whatever you want and you can push me as hard and as long as you want, but I’m not tapping out.”
Haley stands by my bed, unblinking and unmoving, and because I’ve already tossed it all on the table, I decide to give up the last of my pride. “And so you know, I’m a virgin, Haley. I’ve never had sex with any of those girls. You were never about the chase.”
Like I’ve announced I have eight nipples, she clumsily sits back onto my bed. “Why are you telling me this?”
“Because you’re the girl I’ve been waiting for. If you want to break up, then you’re going to have to do it because I won’t. You’re it for me, and I’m not walking away.”
Haley stares at the carpet. A sad song begins to play on the television. It’s the part in the movie where the couple breaks up. Eventually, they get back together. It’s what happens in movies, but as Haley has reminded me time and time again, this is real life. People lose their jobs, their homes... They lose each other and in real life, the pain actually hurts.
“I’m falling for you.” It was a whisper, barely audible. I heard it more with my heart than I did with my ears and it was the most beautiful sound. “I’m falling for you, but I don’t want to.”
She bends forward and her hair hides her face. I crouch in front of her and tuck her hair behind her ear. “I’m not Matt. Me and you, we aren’t a repeat of the past.”
“I know.”
“No, you don’t.”